Monday, January 31, 2011


I'm surprised to see all the things I haven't posted here, that most of the accounting of my life is tucked away, unfinished in the drafts folder -- isn't that a woeful metaphor? This is what strikes me most about having such an irregular presence, is that when I load up my page I read fossilized moments. I suppose the animate intimacy of this blog died a long time ago.

There is still a lot of me here, if you see that or not. I have been posting for more than 7 years, which is longer than any other thing I have ever done. Is there any sense of time passing?

-My neighbor died and was buried between a holly and a rhododendron on a wet, wet gray day. The mud soaked through the leather soles of my husbands shoes. She was 99 years old, my age when WW2 ended, retirement age when Clark's parents brought him down to meet her as a new-born baby.

-Sometimes I have these awful days that just go on and on, punctuated by arduous cross-valley car steerings and driver-seat picnics. Today was that day. When I got home, Thea was all grown up, sang me songs and said "love you" for the first time as I squeezed her door shut at bedtime. Okay! Yes! It was me! She said it to me first!

I've been doing this since forever. This blog is a touchstone, one steady thing that time swirls around.

Sunday, January 16, 2011


I do believe the daycare question has been answered to satisfaction, but only very very recently.

Just before New Years I found a woman who was farther away, and more expensive than I was prepared for, and after an interview and second home visit I agreed to sign a contract for care. It all came together with no time to spare before the start of the new term.

Almost immediately I regretted it and for the next two weeks was a tortured, remorseful buyer. I really tried to separate my anxiety from what might be real issues -- but honest-to-god my Best Intentions are a wildly insufficient parsing apparatus. Surprise.

Finally after I'd become more and more contorted in our interactions, even having Clark brush me down daily, the daycare lady sat me down with a cup of coffee and said MY FEELINGS DON'T GET HURT EASILY, LET ME HAVE IT -- TELL ME HOW YOU ARE FEELING ABOUT THINGS.

In that case, a lot of my concerns seemed sort of incoherent and shadowy, easily disinfected with just a little daylight. I'm a total nutjob, getting all worked up over here. Oh god, please somebody tell me which parts I was making up, which parts I was over-reacting to, which parts were completely non-existent, and if anything was real. At times like this, I am fervently glad I am not a single parent. Not because of all the things I would have to do alone, but because there is a rock solid human-being who keeps me from blowing away.

Anyway! Thea seems fine getting dropped off and picked up, expected toddler coping stresses notwithstanding. I'm working a LOT, up running early in the mornings, and for the first time in my life, nodding off on the couch at 9pm.

I'm full of this feeling that I'm getting better at life all the time. I mean, at least this time I knew I was being crazy.

Singing "up above the world"

Saturday, January 01, 2011


Don't forget the black eyed peas for luck in the new year please.


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