Monday, November 29, 2004

Seamless Integration

Back from the San Juan Islands, he brought me hot sauce. HOT hot sauce that comes with, I kid you not... its own coke spoon that screws into a gold bullet key chain for on-the-go convenience.

Supposedly with this tiny travel spoon you should be measuring out all the sauce you need for one big pot of chili hot is this sauce.


And o'course I slathered the tip of my finger in 6oo,ooo Scoville peppery goodness and stuck it in my mouth. GODDAMNIT. The substance in chilies that makes them spicy is called capsaicin. It is concentrated in the veins of the fruit (not the seeds) and stimulates the nerve endings in your mouth, fooling your brain into thinking you're in pain. The brain responds by releasing substances called endorphins, which are similar in structure to morphine. A mild euphoria results, and chilies can be mildly addictive because of this hot pepper "high".

Boy was my brain ever fooled. But I keep doing it cause I love it.


I am traipsing around town with this guy who is, for the first time in a long time, more than a detached anthropological curiosity to me. He is my polar opposite, all math and science to my art and humanities. His friends adore him (good), he adores me (great)... so I spend every waking minute with him and rub his head and put my feet up on his dashboard and rest my head on his shoulder.

With these few hours now I am going to go run my little heart out. Between the morphine-like pepper high, infatuation wiggles, and full-spectrum circadian euphoria I can barely survive the day unless I do.

Gonna run 15 miles. Gonna lace up extra tight and break records and break hearts and come home feeling blood-let.


Friday, November 26, 2004

Buy Nothing Day

I did, I bought a veggie fajita taco and a cup of coffee... 12 oz. Damn me.




Thanksgiving day. Walked along the lake shore just a few breathes before snowfall and talked about sea monkeys and the declining dollar. A year ago I was spitting distance from moving here... now its just another roadside fantasy shrinking in the back window.

Lake Tahoe

Early flight. Came home to the fog, pilot circled and circled till he thought he could see through the clouds... DONE THIS PLENTY FOLKS, ITS AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE. Kate's twice stolen car full of kid and kid mess, we slipped into the haze and disappeared. I cant tell what time of day it is and am uncertain that I ever even left this impenatrable womb, sushing through the mist. SHHHHH.....

My home stinks of cat piss, the palm near the front door has been used as a scratching post, greenery all over the floor... plant on the table in utter defeat, overflowing litterbox, poopoo smears on the bathroom floor, not a kibble of food and only three drops of water left in the food bowl.... Willie charges the hallway a few times in response to my homecoming. I am firing my cat sitter, even if he does work for free.

All cleaned up, purring kitty in my lap. It smells like Pine-Sol and Nag-Champa which is a hell of a lot better then how it smelled when I walked in. I put away my toothbrush, unpacked my bags, took out the garbage, swept and mopped.

Now I just want to hear that my baby will be home from his family Thankgiving to-night so I can float through work.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Record Street Cafe, Reno Nevada

Doing homework, WIFI style, out and about on the town. My mom and I had lunch in a tropical jungle theme buffet with regularly scheduled monsoons, lightning and thunder and freaked out chimp in the upper bough noises with lots of cocktail shrimp, sweettart lemonade and dried out desserts. Yum.

The desert is cold and hot at the same time and I feel distressed and endangered, then sweaty and stuffy. My finger is on the button... window down, window up, window down, window up.

The desert is dry brown and full of hawks on fence posts and hunting over streambeds and fields... magpies and dirt... scrub and dirt and rocks and dirt and dirt and dirt.

Back home the shades of green get greener in the winter. My orientation is shaky and vertiginous here. I would die of sunburn and dehydration on the way to 7-11 for a Slurpy if my Momma weren’t coming after me with her armaments.

And I am sick. FLU, mild case. I almost canceled my trip altogether. But she promised me soup and vitamin C and checks my forehead every half hour, rewraps my scarf against the wind. Who's gonna take care of me like that when I'm sick? Huh?

So yeah, camping was canceled and I slept all day Monday.

Sierra Nevadas

Tuesday we packed into the Jeep and drove down to Bodie on a bumpy dirt highway through the most fabulous Sierra Nevada vistas I have ever seen, though I slept most of the way... sleepwalked through the creepy ghost town and slept on the unbumpy parts home.

The Jeep, PUJ, receives no less love then any other full fledged member of the family (perhaps more then some of the ungrateful brats in our herd) and was in good form for the four-wheelin' impassable wash-outs they call roads here in Nevada.

My mothers home is perfectly white and perfectly undecorated, Zen-like, except in small corners like her office where she hoards odd ornaments from our childhood with characteristic (extreme) sentimentality. Lee does not horde but generously indulges my mothers various endearing idiosyncrasies. The overall effect is soothing and makes me feel safer then almost anywhere else in the world.

Home sweet home. Happy Thankgiving. Eat Tofu.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Thanksgiving Week

Dinner shift... 3am date... 5am flight... layover... in 24 hours I will be unfurling my sleeping bag for a cold night in Death Valley with the rattle snakes and scorpions.

Saturday, November 20, 2004


I woke up this morning feeling like there was a bowling ball sitting on my solar plexus so I hit the snooze alarm for two hours, as if five minute intervals of sleep interupted by hateful chimes is gonna make me feel better. I dont feel better. I feel icky.

But I promised the things I promised so I gotta get up, gotta go, gotta do stuff, write blog posts and make apple crisp, get to work on time.

I am sitting in front of my new light therapy box that I got off eBay, bathing in full spectrum light and ionized air so to achieve circadian balance and perkiness. Who couldnt stand a little extra perk? Read all about my DSPS.

blink blink

Anyway, I kicked mid-term ass and am heading into the final stretch for fall term. Am taking this next week off to fly home and eat Tofurky. In a stroke of pure genius I managed to get a whole week off while only actually missing a day and a half of classes and one shift at work. Yo, rockstar!

Good thing my timing is so impeccable cause lately I been flouncing around all pigeon toed and starry eyed and tongue tied, like its a good idea to ignore everything.

And that aint the half of it... 'cept today. Today I feel like someone knocked the wind outta me, like they punched that soft little spot just under my ribs with an uppercut motion and I need to go lay down again.

Friday, November 19, 2004

New Post, coming soon... really good stuff. Really. Like, love and vacation and passing mid-term grades and stuff like that.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Belly Flops Onto The Bed

I spent the whole morning in bed eating green papaya salad, reading American Elf (James Kochalka I love you!) and My Evil Twin Sister. Its my running day off cause tomorrow I scheduled 12 miles and so today I get to lay around charging my batteries.

My Evil Twin Sister is driving me crazy cause she writes about living in my home town and hanging out in my apartment, and dating my roommates but she uses pseudonyms for everyone and there was so much craziness back then moving in and out, moving across the hall, moving home, then traveling around and moving back in to sublet my old room from someone who is prolonged subletting from someone who moved in after I moved out... So I cant place her and I don't know if I know her but how could I not? Anyway, she's great.

My language skills feels awkward and skewered, like I am having some sorta ASL intrusion but it is manifesting itself in weird verbizations and clause confusion, herniated pronominalization... and that sucks for me cause I am fetishistic about expression and writing and speaking and loving of words that I can polish like pearls.

But I am suffering in both languages and it is making me pondersome, and partly an itty-bit miserable. Its an adjustment period I am sure. I hope.

Like Friday night, in a conversation about restaurants, I tried to tell a Deaf Vietnamese woman that I have a friend who is Thai who always takes me to Pho, but instead I told her that my friend and I always get Thai at the Pho place which is not only an entirely different thing to say, but is awkward to correct and makes me sound like a dumb redneck who thinks all Asians look the same.

Then it made me wonder why I even pointed out that my friend is Thai like it matters, except that she broadens my food horizons exponentially cause she prefers all sort of Asian food to most American food. That idea was tied into something that was too abstract for me to express in sign language with my limited skills so the whole moment left me feeling impotent and profoundly sorrysome.

So I just ran off cause that is what I do, but that sort of behavior is probably interpreted culturally as rude by Deaf people who love long goodbyes... the longer the better. Goodbyes take like, as long as the event itself. I am not used to feeling humble and soft spoken in social situations. The growing pains of broader horizons. *sigh*

Anyway, America's culture war has got me all excited and feisty feeling. And superior. Did I mention how superior I feel, that me and my friends and family are smarter and better and brighter then all those conservative dickheads that are each and every one of them personally responsible for the next terrorist attack?

Yes, it is going to be tragic but my feeling of superiority will be a small comfort on that day.

I am gonna snuggle up with my superiority, deposit it in my account, use it as a lift in my shoe, beat you assholes about the head and shoulders with it. Yes, we are better then you, more deserving then you, better looking and have sweet smelling breath. Sucks for you.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Long Night

Willie was hangin' with the tweekers in the back parking lot last night, in the circle of lamp light smoking generics and rewiring a car stereo.


MEOW she said and charged down the hallway like a full grown elephant. I suffered all night while she tore it up, battling the white light. This morning she is contrite, reserved, maybe filled with catlike regret. She is trying to sleep and I am gonna to go jump on the bed.

Then I am gonna to put holy water in my squirt bottle and march out to the back parking lot. Make some changes around here.

All night, when I was sleeping I was dreaming about an ex-boyfriend who I have only seen once in six years and before that it was when the cops were prying him away. Good riddance I thought. In nine months there was only one incident of abuse and that was when I hit him with a closed fist. He was insultingly unharmed, but my hand was wrapped for a week.

That's how all my abusive episodes have ended up, starting with my older brother who said he couldn't even feel it when I hit him, just to rub in that I was holding my sprained hand in tears while the sun glinted off his uninjuredness.

I think I have tried at least once to punch every boyfriend I ever kept for more then six months... not that many really, 4 or 5.

I shoulda seeked counseling.


Speaking of fighting...

(thanks Loaded Mouth)

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Morning Run

Since I can't seem to give up coffee entirely I decided this morning, resolutely, that I could limit myself to 12oz instead. That resolve firm, I marched down to the coffee shop just now and ordered a 16oz coffee. I don't know what happened. In between the thirty two footfalls from here to there I just forgot. The guy at the counter stood there watching me stir, then started giggling and said UM, I, UH... THIS IS A WEIRD THING TO SAY, BUT YOU JUST SMELL SO FRESH AND CLEAN and started waving his hands in the air to indicate, what? a cloud of fresh cleanliness.


I just ran a few miles and showered and my hair is still wet and I am out without a hat in the foggy, misty November morning....smelling good.

And there was a guy in Carharts and an Irish accent and he made my stomach turn cause Carharts and especially Irish accents do that to me, make me weak in the knees. I wrote a story about it once, an Irish accent.

But I have to be resolved about something so let it be this... I absolutely must finish my ASL translation about Tradition IRAs this morning.

So there. I came back home.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

My Sainted Mother

... whose mind is like a little theatre but who, at least, is still in the directors seat, sent me care package today. She sends them about every other week or so and they are always full of unexpected delights and thoughtful gifts.

This weeks package included:

- 42 packets of Splenda
- one packet of chocolate malt drink powder from Mexico
- a packet of Taiwanese instant cereal
- a packet of Taiwanese 'yam nutritious cereal'
- a few tea bags
- regular ole' American instant oatmeal (two packets)
- wasabi peas
- a couple books....
- a copy of The Walker by Arturo Giovannitti, 1914 (one of her favorite poems that she has sent me twice before but doesn't remember)
- a sketch book
- half a bottle of ibuprofen
- and best of all... a homemade magnet made with a picture of Willie Cat all covered with highlighter pen

don't forget the tomato paste!

Vintage Swingline 400 series

(already opened)

all this and the hippie tapestry too!

I am the luckiest kid in the whole world!


Otherwise its back to the books for midterms and other competing distractions.

Bought cat toys in desperation. Got a blue feather pompon on a stick that is more fun then I could have ever imagined. Willies' devotion to its' capture is without regard for life or limb, and she has displayed a dazzling array of acrobatic maneuvers that I would have easily underestimated her ability to perform. Little fatty that she is.

Airborne Willie

I watched Control Room this last weekend. Great movie, highly recommend it.

Wasabi peas are not wasabi enough. I really just wanna eat wasabi but it seems uncouth somehow, like eating mayonaise from the jar or something.

Am leaving to make dinner with Kate whose car was stolen then found again, like mine was, just a few days later. I might bring my new stapler with me just in case... its even fully loaded with staples you know!

Friday, November 05, 2004

Right Back Atcha Mr. President!


You can see the video clip, and even download it yourself here.

I shouldn't be so heartbroken. I shouldn't be so humorless and bereft. I should dry those fucking tears cause there is one thing, one major factor on my side of this divide. Reality. Americans can deny reality for only so long.

They can continue to believe Bush is a firm and resolute leader, a man of sound judgment, that invading Iraq was necessary and good, that we are bringing freedom to the Iraqi people, that God is on our side, that a man who loses three debates despite being wired, runs up the national debt to an all time high but only after squandering an inherited (projected) Ten-Year Surplus Of $5.6 Trillion, uses terrorist threat levels as a tool for political advantage, stonewalled the 9/11 commission, stonewalled inquiries into the Valerie Plame investigation...DESERVES to be President of the United States. They can believe that...

But like any denial-based construct that uses templates to interface with the world, the American version of reality is not supported by results and will inevitably self destruct.

Already other countries are cutting back or pulling entirely their troops out of Iraq... Honduras and the Dominican Republic, The Philippines, Hungary, Thailand, Bulgaria, New Zealand, Singapore, Moldova, Norway, Spain, Poland, the Czechs plan to pull out by the end of February, the Dutch by the end of March, and Japan is feeling pressure to withdraw, Britain is 'questioning its "special relationship" with the United States'...

Yes, even Britain is reducing their presence in Iraq.

And what do you think is going to happen to our military, already spread dangerously thin and stationed in hostile territory without adequate supplies? As Bush's coalition of the willing uneasily detangles itself from his mess for the sake of their own political careers, for the stability of their respective countries, for the chance to save a couple of their unfortunate citizens from beheading, what do you think is going to happen?

What about that? Are you ready for the draft? Are you ready for a SITTING DUCK president who not only feels like he now has a mandate from the voters to lead this country, but who is totally unconcerned with re-election, and the accompanying pressures to conform somewhat to public opinion.

That is reality, and that is going to be one painful lesson.

By the way, today Deconstructionist is One Year Old!!!! HOt shit!

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Post Election Day Blues

Portland Oregon
"In Portland, Ore., a city so staunchly liberal that it is sometimes called the People's Republic of Portland, the outcome of the presidential race was absorbed with the levity of a mass funeral."

Portland Protests Bush

I am searching for answers today, boy am I. Did I really expect Kerry could win? There was just a moment where I did, yeah, but if I had such persistent doubts why was I not more emotionally prepared for a Bush victory? I am stunned. Stunned. Devastated.

Police Escort

I mean, its not like Kerry could have been effective anyway. It was a lose/lose situation for him, he inevitably would be held responsible for the momentum of the Bush Administration debacle by impatient constituents wanting unreasonable results. And insurmountable hatred from those bellicose, sloganeering Bush supporters.

Protest Protester

Lets face it, most Americans do not come close to comprehending the complexity of our political system, and are therefore, mostly incapable of understanding the terrain. I don't think he would ever get full credit for any work he did do, all of which would have been met with intense resistance from an overwhelmingly Republican Congress.

Police Escort

So what would be to gain in winning the White House? We could have stopped the bleeding. We could have begun to patch up international relations, rebuild alliances, maybe we would just put the brakes on a little bit. But that's it.


Four years ago I thought one term would be enough. I thought after four years of G.W. Bush Americans would be screaming for change. That a term of Bush was just what they needed, a dose of bad medicine. Americans needed to hit bottom. I thought the country would be realigned and maybe we could come together to build gardens and schools and hold hands with our neighbors, that maybe the lions and the lambs would be cuddling under the burgeoning fruit trees, that Jews and Blacks and Lesbians and Christians... all of us could all drink cocktails together and laugh about the social gaffes of the past. Fuck.

Instead America got a mean look in its eye and we squared off against each other. A country so deeply divided is in a whole mess of trouble.

Portland got mad today and took to the streets. Fuck you America. You wanted him and I hope you live to learn to regret it, I hope you feel it in every burning cell in your body.

Horseys and Riot Gear

Monday, November 01, 2004

Vote, I Did!

I am wound tight tonight, hot shit. Sam talked me out of disowning my own Dad for his political views. I am in a disowning mood. I should take that badness and go over to my closet, make a little room in there. I might skip class tomorrow instead and beat down doors to find reticent voters, drag them to the polls.

I could die from this feeling, you know. Die dead.

Oregon is expecting record voter turnout based on early returns, absentee ballots. Secretary of State Bill Bradbury estimates 84%. YO! I bet we kick everyone's turnout-ass! I will give up pickles for a week if I am wrong.

Lets talk about delusional... Cheney recently said to a crowd in Montoursville, Pa that the U.S. invasions of "Afghanistan and Iraq will be studied for years for their brilliance." That is an astonishingly arrogant comment but what do you expect from a man who is, in fact, Satan himself. Bush may be a fucking lunatic moron but Cheney is pure evil, and totally disconnected from reality.

I can't wait for tomorrow. I'm getting it all now, emotions too big for my body....even here in the reduced environmental stimulation of my tiny little home.
I am a house on mother-fucking fire!


I wonder if the honor system works with todays trick-or-treaters. I bet one little brat emptied the whole bowl into his bag. I hope he gets fat.

Pink wigs get me drunk with joy. So does 814 shots of whiskey and a safe ride home.

My house is being destroyed by a 2 ounce cat.


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