Wednesday, March 31, 2004


I feel jagged. I feel like everything that is pretty suddenly seems ugly. It has been exceedingly difficult to stay focused on my life, too busy thinking about other people. This has got to stop.

On second thought, it could be worse.

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

What The Fuck?

Why is this guy sitting around farting in my room? I'm dont care to put up with this.

I am taking a break from dating. I cant handle this shit.

Monday, March 29, 2004

ImPerfect Day

Spring term begins. Its a perfect day, almost too hot if you sit in one place for too long. There is something that I cant seem to figure out. I feel like I have my ear half cocked trying to hear my engine knock so I can diagnose it. Lately I only feel alright when I am running. Even the torturous spring fever at least inspired some kinky creativity.

I have been hanging out with the sushi chef and its just a miserable failure. I have never been one of those girls who feels like the presense of another person, anyone at all... is a cure for loneliness. Its worse then the disease as far as I am concerned. He makes my room smell, and even though his skin burns hot he is more and more like an empty space. This cant go on. I know it, I wonder if he knows it, if he sees it coming.

How should I do it? Should I not answer his calls? Should I answer his calls with distain? Do I owe him an explanation in person? Sweetness? Honesty? He certainly hasnt done anything deserving of acrimony but that is almost worse then eliciting nothing at all.

Saturday, March 27, 2004

Saturday Afternoon

I spent the last couple hours grocery shopping with Xavier for his fourth birthday party while Kate cleaned her house. Tomorrow is another party, an eighth birthday. I am passing time listening to Rilo Kiley and watching the sky. Rain and shine, rain and shine.

My old hippie roommate Lori called me yesterday afternoon. I haven't seen her in over a year, and before that the last time I saw her was at her wedding a couple years earlier. We all met up in Forest Park and wound round and round in a Pagan ceremony till we circled the bride and groom and they were pronounced man and wife by a fat bearded lesbian and an aging fag with green hair and tiny fairy wings. She is getting divorced now. We used to live together in a huge three story creaky old yellow house in the N.E. section of town almost eight years ago. Has it been that long? Back then we were still trying to save the world. without a clue as to what our place in it was. We cooked Food Not Bombs in our kitchen and threw nothing away. Our bills piled up and grew thorns, our grains fed a host of mice that I named Leonard, every one. We slept on the balcony in the summer breeze and tormented our roommate Billy who was filled with half-cocked cross-cultural spiritual theories about sex and energy. I studied sign language and took to riding by bike to far away destinations with my friend Lucia, a little French girl with crooked teeth. On one occasion she showed up with chocolate horns on her forehead melting in the summer heat. We rode forty miles out to the river and met a deaf man on the banks. He rode back to town with us after an afternoon of semi-successful conversation. He just sorta moved in with me after that and we ended up in an ill-matched and ill-fated relationship that ended nine months later on the cusp of my whopping 2400 mile bicycle ride to Chicago and, incidentally, with my inaugural rendezvous with Jason.

Anyway, she looks great. She lopped off all her dreadlocks, lost twenty pounds, bought some stylish clothes and got herself a girlfriend. It seems like everyone is either knocked up or coming out of the closet.

There Are Things...

This is the least kind of magical time. There is nothing that stands out about these days. I go out, I look old, I feel older, I die a little bit.

Friday, March 26, 2004

Foul Mood

I am not sure why.

Its pissing rain. I want to run but can't bring myself to go out in this weather.

Mild Hangover

I promised that I wouldn't post drunk anymore but I did. I tried to go out last night and have a good time, it being spring break and all. But it was not fun. It is not fun still. I have to walk back to my car and try to salvage some of my day now. I keep hearing the mocking voice of my 12 year old niece.


- I made M*** cry on his birthday.
- I went home alone last night cause I didn't want to lie about something awful.

Once upon a time I was that sweet young girl on the shores of Emigrant Lake. Once.

- I will confess anything that I have done
- I don't plan on having to do it again in my life time.

Thursday, March 25, 2004

Free Time

I finished the term with a 4.0 which brings my GPA up to 3.67. I feel vaguely dissatisfied because I got a C last spring that brought me down, though in all honesty I deserved an F that term. I just didnt do the work.

I drove my niece back down south yesterday. I spent two days running all over town and showing her about as much of the city as is humanly possible while barely eliciting a sarcastic smirk from her... ahh to be young and dumb, dumb, dumb. I fear for her, the over protected child and hell-cat young woman that she is.

After driving 300 miles south I had dinner with my father and coffee with St. John before I fled back to the interstate and northward. I drove in excess of 100 mph in a tensed up manner that I am not proud of as it is evidence to me how deeply submerged I am in car culture despite how removed I wish to be. And just when I finally wrested the wheel from the maniac in my brain, arguing that I was within the city limits and it was time to slow back down I got popped by a state trooper hiding on an on-ramp. Fuck. fuck fuck fuck. He got me doing 67 in a 50. Even worse, it was a construction zone so the fine doubles. God what was I thinking? $381. I begged, he shrugged. I sat in my car laughing because I knew that I deserved this ticket. I tried to work my silhouette into an undeniable image of a distraught young woman, I even managed a few tears. It was a work out because I didn't know how long he was going to be in his car and how long I could maintain my deceit. He seemed genuinely sorry when he handed me the citation like he could shoot bad guys all day long but his resolve to do his job crumbled when he made a woman cry. I have a vague plan to wiggle out of this one involving recalibrating my speedometer combined with a wide-eyed plea for leniency...young niece, exhausted, family values...blah blah blah.
If I cant get out if it, well then, oh well. I still made it from doorstep to doorstep, 305 miles in exactly four hours including a stop to fill-up, a rest stop and, and getting pulled over.

Anyway, I now have the next four days to do exactly as I please. It feels grand.

Monday, March 22, 2004

Fair Trade

I am in the middle of spring break now, amazed that I got everything done to finish up the term. On Thursday I ran into class, picked up my portfolio and hit the road south. My niece turned 12 last week and my mother is leaving for Mexico for at least two months though there is the vague threat that if things go well enough they may never return. It was a big family whirlwind, secret negotiations, yelling and making up, hugs, tears, underwear shopping, go-carts and pizza pie.

I swapped my 11 year old dog for my 12 year old niece and I have the next few days to show her the big city.
My brother John didn't come down. My mother told me that he just spent a couple grand on a engagement/wedding ring set for his high school sweetheart and is gonna pop the question on Tuesday after, get this, after he asks her father for his permission. that saccharine or what? The youngest gets all the sweaty, teary, bloody wisdom of their older siblings. I shake my head and feel like I never did anything right, just head first. 'Right' has always been just a matter of luck for me.

Monday, March 15, 2004

I am ILL AT EASE with my existence.

Sunday, March 14, 2004

Up and Run

The apartment is clean and a little cool. Once I have the inkling that spring is here I cant ever go back. The tank tops come into rotation, the heat is turned low, the jackets get shoved to the back of the closet and I refuse to let them out till fall again. But it is not warm today. I feel like I have reached some sort of impass with my fate. I always was stubborn, though an apt pupil. I am tired of abiding this cycle of loss in rapid sucession. Some things happen that just change things forever. I am weary. I have had so many assertions and assumptions and coping strategies just torn violently away. MY GOD, I FEEL NAKED.
I shaved my pubic hair into the shape of a heart.

Saturday, March 13, 2004

Thursday, March 11, 2004

It's Exhausting To Be Me

I met this guy.... *sigh* How am I ever going to make it through this season?

Sunday, March 07, 2004

Spring Cleaning, Spiritual Cleaning

I finally cleared off the clutter of my new desk which was supposed to be a work space while the current desk was snowed under. I filled to capacity though and finally had to address the actual body of paper that stood between us.
I spent the evening with ***, and to my great misfortune broke my cardinal rule of spending time with him. Never let him get between you and the door, or between you and your aims. He is a pathological lair and world class manipulator who wanted me to accompany him on a internet date with an awful twerp of a woman and her male buddy. Good god, I was in a panic to get home and about a block away from my house was unbuckled and had the door handle clutched. Opened the door before the car was stopped and literally ran from the car. Lyssa and Colin came over around midnight after a fierce bout of floorboard scrubbing as a psychic cleansing, and they helped me shake it off. Never again.
I would have preferred to stay at home and wait for a call from my sushi chef but I suffered consequences.

Saturday, March 06, 2004

Gotta Get Some

It is extraordinary the roll that sex plays in the drama of our lives, how it motivates us, shapes or distorts us. Sex can tear asunder the value of any accomplishment, great or small, over shadow our greatest sorrows and headiest euphorias, AND IS STILL UNDERESTIMATED.

Friday, March 05, 2004

Writing, Editing, Waiting

The worst of it has passed, at least for the time being. I spent last night writing a new story, trying for the first time to create imaginary characters rather then neurotic recreations of people who haunt me or fascinate me.
I still have this achey fevery feeling but it feels more like the end of an illness. I feel like I am always waiting, waiting, waiting...
I still have to know what happens. It is hard to be here, now, in this room where nothing at all is happening.

Thursday, March 04, 2004

Dear Dave-Bot,

Tropical knee boil? That's a new one. Well I am sorry that you are back in the states against your will. That is too bad.
I had heard that Sam was coming back to the states in April but I haven't talked to her in a long time. I have no clue. To me it seems that most people are fading off to oblivion and despite my efforts they remain vaguely insubstantial, like residual smoke.
I might not have the energy to try anymore. Or care. feh.
Anyway, I have been writing like mad and thinking to change my whole course of studies towards sign language interpretation. I just got back from a proficiency/placement interview and I only need two classes to get accepted into the program. If I go to summer school I can start in the fall. Its a two year deal then I can work and write at my leisure. I just cant see the point of continuing towards a bachelors degree at this point so I can go back to being a bartender, with fifty grand in debt and no money for grad school... prospects of that stretching into the yawning decade ahead of me. Cigarette smoke, parchment paper diploma, neon beer signs, academia... fuck. Where is the husband? Show me to the laundry basket. I wish I knew my place.
Well, I am off for a quick run before it gets any later, I get any older, motorists get any drunker....


Still clutching straws and divining meaning, intent, thought. My future. The truck is parked closer, twice now. And the man at the coffee shop asked if I knew him cause he saw us walking together. These are not the kind of details that you give to a girl on a stake, writhing in the worst crush since 1996. No.
And then there is that sushi chef from the other night. He could help me get over it. I am gonna call him today.

And I do have real business to attend to. Not that I have a job or anything, but studies and paths to navigate. I had odd dreams last night and remembered most of them. One about taunting that escalated to a family brawl in which Cairo, my dog wisely counseled that THINGS DON'T COME OUT OF YOU, THEY GO IN and it seems poignant enough to get up and write down at the time: 4:56 with my tongue plastered to the roof of my mouth.
And then a dream about the ASL interview that I have this evening but the woman came here to my house and we started talking about music and looking for albums buried in piles of junk instead. I woke up and used my alphabet and counted to 30. I think that I could be placed in second year at least, maybe higher. My hands are dusty and retention significantly weakened after the years, and perhaps I am more colloquial then fundamental. I know that my comprehension is shit. Sigh.

Lost time is never found again.

And a good thing...

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

Necking Distracts Me

So after another evening of feeling devoured by my own adrenaline I finally went down to the gym and worked out for an hour and a half. I feel great now, like myself again. I think I might actually be able to get something done. Too bad its midnight. I am going to have to do this all weekend to stay on task.

Went out with Dan again last night... After my wicked good mood turned around and bit me in the ass (again) I conceded that the evening (again) was out of my control and decided that hitting the bottle (again) was the only safe way to the other side. I got kissed by his friend, a sushi chef, but came home with my virtue intact.

Still Spring Fevered

I waste an extraordinary amount of time getting around to writing. I can only think about the compilation albums that I want to make and the boy that I have a crush on and how I can arrange to see him without seeming like a stalker. I want to go for a long drive and listen to songs at high volume. But if I could get into the right frame of mind to get some work done I would want to stay there for a very long time. This term is up in about two weeks and I am stuck on midterm projects.

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

Nose To the Grindstone

I have been unable to stay on task. The sun is shining again and I am unfurling tendrils. Whatever this is, beat it outta me.

My friend Dan came into town unexpectedly last night. Dan defies description. He has some of the best, and most easily overlooked characteristics, and will never cease to surprise you. I love this guy.

Gravity is too strong for me. Others peoples gravity even more so. What holds promise? I was reminded again last night the depths of subjectivity, something I am always trying to exorcise in the mirror. The observer reveals as much as the artist, often more because the creator is conscious of the act of revealing while the reactor is not.
Does that make any sense?

I think I could very well be the weakest and most vulnerable person on the planet. It is spring and I am feverish. It feels like a mortal wound. It feels like being in love.


About Me