Saturday, January 10, 2004


Dear Dave,
I have not started working at the swanky joint yet and I am feeling really annoyed with them. Monday is showdown day. Meanwhile, the pub is teaching me a thing or two about humility, a lesson that needs to be refreshed once in a while.

Nothing scandalous...I am a little home body. I am here to write and burn candles and bake squash. I had a little tryst with Jason over the holidays but it was, for the most part just bland nostalgia and not painful. My brain is all squirmy and trying to strike out on a journey and I am barely able to stay the course...that being cause jobless bums on the dole like myself have no business journeying anywheres except spiritually.

Friday, January 09, 2004

And Then Came the Locust...

After the snow came the freezing rain and everything was coated in AN INCH AND A HALF OF SOLID ICE. Last night I finally chained up my car and tore through the ice field of the parking lot like the motherfucking Titanic! There will be no getting back up the driveway till it all defrosts. Most of the major roads are pretty clear but the side streets are pure hell. G-damn its so good to be out and about, in charge of my life again....or at least to have the illusion once again. The grocery store and the video store were packed with marauding bands of over dressed wild-eyed natives. We are not prepared for this kind of thing.

My hands and knuckles are all bruised from the chaining up effort. I had to shatter the ice coating and heave it off my car piece by piece. Then, on my hands and knees with thin knit gloves dug out enough room around the tires to chain up. I don't know how I could have done it without my Les Schwab chains that don't require moving the air time for you guys, you deserve it.

The city is up and running and fingers are pointing every which way. Whose fault is it? Mass transit, busses and trains, the airport, and electricity and major freeways all shut down and now someone...the business community, wants answers. Its a fucking storm assholes. I went downtown to the gym for the first time this year. The streets are clear and the sidewalks slushy as opposed to my side of town where the ice is just barely beginning to soften.

My music pick of the day is Hank lll cause I have tickets for the show in a couple weeks. Yeah!

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

Snowed In

I am thoroughly cabin-fevered and feeling highly irritable. I guess its good that I am not near anyone at the moment cause I would be mean and inclined to hurt them. This stupid storm is not exciting. Its confining and lonely and my head hurts. I drank a left over bottle of Champaign from New Years and hated every sip of it. Why did I finish it? I don't know, I guess I was feeling a bit masochistic and convinced that nothing would bring me pleasure. I just got a mild headache and now I am chugging water. The local Fox News crew is ensuring boredom to the death with what is now its 25th or 26th straight hour of 'non-stop ongoing winter storm coverage'. They have warmly assured us they will be with us all through the night. I HATE THEM. I can barely find a snow drift deep enough to bury my shoelaces. I will grudgingly admit that it was enough of a storm to shut the city down, but is it worthy of 48 hours of live news? Cant I at least have one half hour of Simpson reruns????? Fuck!

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

Let It Snow

The blizzard! Snow began to tentatively fall around midnight last night, at least a dozen good hours late and no apologies. Our hearts were in our throats and I am quite certain that a number of meteoroligists would have been strung up in town square if this had not been delivered. I am in pj's still, waiting for my shower water to warm up. Mark has made a big pot of black bean soup and invited me down for lunch when he and Teresa came by this morning for birdseed. School is canceled and there is nothing to do but eat and read and write and flip through the channels, bored. I wish I had gone to yoga last night cause it was my last chance to flex for at least a few days. I can run again though because I allowed Katrina, to her fascinated delight to trim back my torn toenail to where it was attached still which was almost to the quick. It didn't hurt at all but was sufficiently yucky enough and odd feeling to make me gag.

Anyway, at three am last night I realized that I have storm windows and they were all open. Tried with mixed success to get them all closed while not unduly alarming the neighbors.

I guess I best dry my hair and bundle up for lunch.

Monday, January 05, 2004

Letter to My Brother

Dear John,
I'm at the student services building trying to write a letter with gloves on. It is colder then I can ever remember it being here - cold, cold and m-fuckin cold. It was down to 24 degrees yesterday evening. I am sure it got colder still in the night and even more still today. There is a big blizzard a' blowing our way they say, but it feels too cold to snow. Just tiny itty-bitty Styrofoam pellets flutter by on a bitter breeze.

I am at school early and almost walked into a class in progress till I heard the teacher mumbling dryly about NUMBERS and I backed back outta da room. Its an editing and publishing class I am trying to get into, not math. The Lord and his agents ain't devised a plan devious enough to get me back into math and I shall not succumb by ACCIDENT! NOT I.

"3:00" they say. The blizzard begins at three this afternoon...a cantankerous blizzard with an appointment. What if it arrives early? Do you have it wait? Blustering and storming in the reception area?

The fat girls fidget in the elevator foyer with sodas and snacks. I round the corner and am up the stairs and down the hall before the elevator delivers them to the second floor. There are only three floors to this building! When, oh when will they invent a calorie that will burn itself. If you lie on your back without engaging a muscle you can burn 30 calories an hour. If you sit upright...40. I wonder how many watts it takes to shiver in this violent cold. It is a full body expenditure engaging all my major muscle groups. BRRR!

Its snowing outside and its hard to pay attention. I want blankets and hot cocoa and a warm room with lots of windows. I want it to be a disastrous blizzard, one to recount and one that tells the passage of time by its stationary monument of hardship...power outages and monstrous drifts. I was always drawn to the extreme. Today is grey. If I was painting I would only smear cold dark colors and mix them gingerly with light - no yellows, no greens, no oranges. Its frozen and lovely and even the brightest shades are in the grip of heavy earth tones.

Yesterday glows. Hot radiators and down comforters - bustling and washing, sweeping, folding, baking.

STRANGER - someone who plays the unknown quantity. How will they, if ever, embed themselves into my life. What gravity of theirs will affect my trajectory? Later, after we are enmeshed and damaged by one another I like to remember those first encounters when I was formal and polite and uncomfortable and unfamiliar....maybe intrigued, maybe repulsed...

Originally Written 12/31/03

Dear John,
Its New Years Eve...the absolute last day of this year of Our Lord 2003 and indeed the rollover has already begun. 2004 is creeping across the International Dateline and is bearing down on us. Finish now your unfinished business and lets be done with it. I'm feeling all content and courageous at the same time though I suspect there is some kind of inherent contradiction there. Anyway, I compiled a short list of shortcomings that I am resolved to correct:

-write more letters
-Be on time
-make my bed

I am a little stumped for improvements beyond that. Mostly I just need a little tweaking and have faith in the process that is already unfolding....and perhaps I could stand to wake up a little earlier in the day.

its a good day for list making. I have had:
-11 3/4 nacho chips
-16oz. Energy drink
-16oz. Water
-20oz. Coffee
-one Altoid: cinnamon

This year I have kissed six boys and one girl, ran more than 300 miles, boarded eight different airplanes (also two rental cars, one bicycle and two hotel rooms) in four different trips in eight states, worked at four bars but was hired at a fifth, and ate a substantial number of burritos. I have also lost two hubcaps, four rings, one goldfish, two wallets, one camera, a pack-a-day habit, two friends in anger, one hard drive, two toenails (same foot) and a cell phone.
I have no immediate plans to slow down my burrito consumption.

As I write this I am at the pub earning my keep. The tips are lean and the day grinds on. I bought a polka-dot skirt yesterday in the hopes that I will look good enough to be grabbed and smooched passionately at midnight. My boy-craziness is at a low ebb compared to the summer time but high pitched enough for me. I still feel sane and in control. I bought also one pint of vodka now chilling in my freezer waiting to wreak havoc and misadventure into my night. I suspect however that I will get bored with the whole endeavor and will be asleep by 1am.
I went to --- to see Jason last night. He had a small box of my errant belongings from the coast. That my ghost still haunts that house with the flotsam of stray hairs and key chains and shopping lists creeps me out. Anyway, I got the prickly hairs and ran out into the snow after clutching tightly my goods. I just didn't want to be part of his life at that moment though I cannot deny that I still crave him somewhat in a fancily redesigned capacity. Its quite a conundrum to want someone and pointed without everything that they choose to define and surround themselves with. How honest is that desire? I am no longer the creepy phone-hawk with the sickly stomach but I can still say that he does something to me that no one else can, or at least never has. I have more then once, irksomely enough, been accused of being 'a force to be reckoned with.' and sometimes I sense that someone is shaking their skinny fists toward heaven for to curse me, that I am somehow like a brick wall they cannot penetrate. Maybe I am more like a bug zapper. Who know...whatever. But this is the thing that he does - that he UNdoes. I guess, for lack of deeper understand, and that he does me good and funny.

-betwixt and between-

its not like I have any overwhelming sense of healthy relationships, or have ever had a good male role model. My dad was off doing who knows what - grinding wheat berries and fixing jeeps for seventeen years doing untold (but well contained) damage and the rest of you are just plumb crazy - though age has mellowed the thorniest of vines. What ever am I getting at? Not sure, just ruminating over my recent encounters.

New Years day.....add to that one more boy and one more girl kissed just at the stroke of midnight.


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