Tuesday, November 13, 2012


As it darkens I see more of myself, except where the street lights flash.  Outside this window is the perfect urban street corner; leaves rustle, people smoke in congenial groups, traffic pulses like blood through the intersection.

Last year I said I would not come back to this coffee shop when the barista stared at me dumbly for ordering a grande coffee.  Can you see, her blank face says, I do not understand what you say.  Is this Starbucks I don’t think so because I don’t even know what Starbucks means.  I don’t even know what it means.  

Ironically, I refuse to use Starbucks naming convention on the occasion I go into one of their coffee shops as well:  
A 16oz I say.  
Huh? I say, just a 16oz coffee.  
Is that 16 ounces?  I don’t know, because I just want coffee!  16 ounces of it!  

I forgot about my promise until I was already sitting at the window.  All I want is to find safe haven where I can be left alone to do work.  There's always a reason though, isn't there.  I still broke a promise. 

Through the window, this perfect urban street corner and I have reached a compromised opacity. My work is done, and I’m just lingering because my work is never done.  

Wednesday, November 07, 2012

I'm trying repeatedly to log onto a website -- I've got a deadline and the entire scope of my skillset in this emergency is to hit the login button over and over.  I think it's working.  I'm getting more logged in every time.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012


I'm surrounded by Kit-Kat wrappers because, whoa, it's Halloween which means it's no longer the summer I tried so hard to not take for granted, but is gone nevertheless.  I've eaten enough chocolate to almost refill the abyss where my soul once resided.  The nights are not long enough.  The coffeepot is not deep enough.  My breath is not broad enough.  The drinks aren't strong enough.  The rain isn't hard enough.  I've not yet been carried away.

If I had the time, I would get lost thinking about the past.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

I'm gonna hug you!

I missed the start of summer.  It was days ago, and too much resembled other days in a long string of days.  It  just slipped by.  I also have been publishing to my secret blog and, you know, there just isn't enough time or attention for two. 

 So hi!  I'm in school and working.  My hair stays in a messy bun.  I'm gardening, and sleeping a minimum of 7 hours a night.  I'm raising a daughter, two dogs and a cat -- all of whom start pacing my side of the bed at 630am, impatient for food, for attention, for the day to start.  Last year's teenager been packed off to college and there's a new one in her place; a lanky, slouchy tween.  Our bedroom had been just moved downstairs, then back upstairs to make room for the step-daughter . . .  and in the process, which seems to be long-term, things just settle where they land. 

My phone is full so I can't take anymore pictures unless I use an app that creates smaller files.  I'm an operating system and 35 app updates behind modernity.  I can't get relief uploading from my phone to my laptop because my laptop is full as well, also unable even to be updated.  I'm in a total data bottleneck.  It took me 9 days to back up my computer to a cloud -- and now I have to also save everything to a TB external hard drive before I start deleting files to make room for all the pictures I'm not taking.  All this time, I do have a airport time capsule, but it is not storage as it deletes old backups, and it has already been fried and replaced once. 

So that is the state of things here, in case you were wondering.  I'm gonna do this blog as soon as my broken toe heals, as soon as I can bench press 95lbs and when my roses are deadheaded.  Plus, I've got some quadratic equations to graph.  Also, it's great fun to menace this 3yo with hugs.  See her squeal as she tries to get away?  That's how you do summer. 

Tuesday, January 17, 2012


I'm sick.  Around here, we don't even need other people to catch colds from anymore.  We're generating our own strains, we are a totally self-contained viral eco-system.  I'm as sick as I'm not sick, easily, and that means whatever marginal advantage that might be had by precautionary measures can suddenly add up to a sizable percentage of my life. 

Pre-Thea, my approach to the cold virus was to ignore all the advice and do not a thing because really, all the hand-washing, zinc-popping, medicine-buying added up to a lot of time and/or money for what?  A small statistical advantage, perhaps an extra 24 hours of reduced viral misery quotient over the 730 days on average in which I suffered one cold.  What?  Does that make sense?  I can't do any proof-reading because I can't see through the mucus tears filming over my eyeballs.

Now that we're raising Patient Zero, I do it all.  I pay a premium for lotion-infused tissue instead reaching for a sandpapery roll of toilet paper.  I have humidifiers, a neti pot, and at least three other brands of saline sinus spray, homeopathic tablets, vapo-rubs, and all the medications in my cabinet are well within their expiration date.

Last night I didn't get any sleep, having a toddler in the bed head-butting me with all the outrage her grief and exhaustion could muster.  OH PLEASE, GRANT ME GRACE.  She finally fell asleep at 4:45.

When I left for work an hour and a half later it was only raining delicately, but on the drive up the hill to campus the snow began to fall and became increasingly flurried and treacherous.  Finally, having slid uselessly against the curb a block away, I consider defeat (freezing to death I've heard is like falling asleep (deeply appealing option)) and yet, look there, a huge red CAMPUS CLOSED sign like a fucking love note to me.  At home, snow fell but did not accumulate the rest of the day. 

Later, I stopped by the pharmacy for MORE medications.  Congestion being the main sleep disruptor, I asked the pharmacist what was safe for a toddler.  I almost began to tremble with relief when she said a half a teaspoon of benedryl was safe, but might induce sleepiness. 

The snow they say, is to begin accumulating.  With any luck we'll all be sleeping well past when the alarm would go off and I'll spend the day under the dining room table, driving around in the passenger seat of Thea's car. 

Head thumping, eyes not working together, nose in revolt.  This song actually brought tears to my eyes.  Real, misty tears. 

Thursday, January 12, 2012

When you know the rules, you can break them

There isn't a lot of time for writing and when I have it, I sit in front of the computer squirming until the time is almost run out.  There is rarely an exception to this, except for the times when I have been prolific, when writing becomes a natural extension of sitting.  Thinking on that note, there was one very prolific year on this blog and, at the risk of drawing your attention to the horribly embarrassing archives, it was a long long time ago.  Turns out I've been here, in my very quiet corner, for over 8 years. I know some people don't consider this real writing, but I like to be here, when I can be here. When I can sit still and extend myself. 


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