Sunday, January 16, 2011


I do believe the daycare question has been answered to satisfaction, but only very very recently.

Just before New Years I found a woman who was farther away, and more expensive than I was prepared for, and after an interview and second home visit I agreed to sign a contract for care. It all came together with no time to spare before the start of the new term.

Almost immediately I regretted it and for the next two weeks was a tortured, remorseful buyer. I really tried to separate my anxiety from what might be real issues -- but honest-to-god my Best Intentions are a wildly insufficient parsing apparatus. Surprise.

Finally after I'd become more and more contorted in our interactions, even having Clark brush me down daily, the daycare lady sat me down with a cup of coffee and said MY FEELINGS DON'T GET HURT EASILY, LET ME HAVE IT -- TELL ME HOW YOU ARE FEELING ABOUT THINGS.

In that case, a lot of my concerns seemed sort of incoherent and shadowy, easily disinfected with just a little daylight. I'm a total nutjob, getting all worked up over here. Oh god, please somebody tell me which parts I was making up, which parts I was over-reacting to, which parts were completely non-existent, and if anything was real. At times like this, I am fervently glad I am not a single parent. Not because of all the things I would have to do alone, but because there is a rock solid human-being who keeps me from blowing away.

Anyway! Thea seems fine getting dropped off and picked up, expected toddler coping stresses notwithstanding. I'm working a LOT, up running early in the mornings, and for the first time in my life, nodding off on the couch at 9pm.

I'm full of this feeling that I'm getting better at life all the time. I mean, at least this time I knew I was being crazy.

Singing "up above the world"


Don said...

You're a hangglider who gets there despite uprushing and contrary winds, and by GAWD that video is cute.

Kristiana said...

i know! but, for the record, the pink stroller was not my idea. if it were, i would have at least picked out a nice muted grey or sassy orange.

eclectic said...

Trust yourself. Your gut instincts are worth listening to, but you're wise enough to examine them before acting. Well done. I'm glad it's working out for you guys!

Thanks for the bonus video -- how can anything be wrong with a world that contains her??

nina said...

Wow! Her gate is how I imagine yours to be: speedy!

Your child care provider seems great and things are movin' along!

I agree -- the video clip is over the top sweet. I need to go back to nagging my daughters to have babies already.

Kristiana said...

eclectic -- that was just the thing, i kept meeting with her in person and coming away feeling good, then i would get all anxious after i left and be certain i'd been wrong about her and all these little things would start to represent systemic failures -- like one day Thea's hands were cold when i went to pick her up and i came away convinced that the thermostat was too low, meaning they were probably trying to pinch pennies and thus were also probably not feeding her enough, or they were gasp! giving her INORGANIC milk and, and, and, instability, inconsistency, separation, anxiety -- begin hyperventilating...

and i really am not one of those parents who played mozart to my fetus and/or drilled her on learning to count and recite the alphabet at birth. she is probably behind her peers in this regard. i talk to her a lot and think that's probably pretty good at this age. i'm fairly confident that she won't graduate from high school not knowing how to conjugate verbs. i'm chill like that... so this hysteria is actually a bit of a surprise. i thought i could trust myself! i think i'm straight now though. whew.

nina -- yes, thea sets a good pace. we don't use the stroller much in the neighborhood, so she knows how to take a hearty stroll!

yes, lets have some babies already! they are the most fun.

glad you guys like the video. thanks!

Roy said...

I'm glad it all worked out. I was quite worried when we first sent the kid to pre-school. I think it was the idea that we no longer had full control over his input. He would start becoming an individual with his own set of memories and all that. Turns out that he continued to like us even though he didn't agree with every opinion expressed in the household. Also, he found out other kids got three meals a day instead of one, and that did cost us, in the long run. What'r you gonna do?

Kristiana said...

Yeah, exactly! Besides, I've been having anxious twinges about Thea's independence since she reached the age of fetal viability. she still likes me, so far... so, so far, we're doing pretty good.

three meals a day IS asking a lot though.


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