Thursday, July 19, 2007

Two days....

Everyday the chance of rain increases by 10% and like everything, the wedding itself, there is nothing I can do to stop it. I am just here, in the slipstream standing perfectly still watching time pass so fast my hair is swirling around my head. I tick the days off the calender.




Over the weekend I wobbled in my heels running around town with all my girlfriends drinking like there was actually a last hope for youthful bachelorette freedom to be had. When I got home it was swollen and sore and I did not run for three days. Time moved even faster. I lay around on ice vaguely disgusted by excess, eating left over penis shaped mint candies.




Sascha is here so solemnize me into marriage and, as my spiritual counselor took me to the ferris wheel where I told her how I wasn't really there. Not exactly. Then forgot immediately everything I had just said.




Turns out my soul was really lacking the lowdown open road and I was newly baptized on the go-cart track.

I have no idea how Clark is feeling about all this, about his mix of emotions. He said to me once NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE, ITS LIKE WE ARE MARRIED ALREADY and maybe he is right. But I am a sinister rightbrainedlefty and symbolism usurps tangibility for my emotional investment. I don't hardly see him actually. Just a stranger, like me, working to pull off this crazy event.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Friday the 13th

I went to pick up the marriage license today and as I pushed through the double doors into the bright heat of the day, envelope in hand, I remembered it was Friday the 13th.



I try to not read into things. The divine angle of the sun through a drop of rain does not hold great import. It is just very, very pretty. Finding meaning in every petal drop, in some way used to make me feel like I can face the crushing weight of infinite potential and that maybe the roar of the wind is not so scary to charge into. I can't remember when I gave up trying to pick my way INTO THAT STORM on the spiderfine thread of an omen. Maybe because it never happened in one day.

Maybe its because I am lying. I am not a particularly brave person. I never let go, but lighten my touch by degrees. There is a stunning quality of balance one can attain by merely touching someone enough to feel their body heat. Its how I learned to ride a bike. Not by finally letting go but believing I still held on, if only by the halflife of a touch.

I read into things. I was arrested in high school on a Friday the 13th for trying to steal a bottle of wine with my friends when I was drunk. They put me in a jail cell and I did headstands waiting for my mother to come pick me up. But it was three weeks after my 18th birthday and they never called her. And she never came. I sat in jail all weekend, crying. Thats not true. I kicked everyones ass at rummy too. DONT COME BACK they said.

I was fined $46, plus $97 for court fees. The marriage license only cost me $60. Not even accounting for inflation its a much better deal. I GOT THE MARRIAGE LICENSE ON FRIDAY THE 13TH and he laughed. COME WHAT MAY...

Thursday, July 12, 2007

I wish I was a giant

Today is memorable because for one afternoon my jeans fit me perfectly and they stayed fit. These small truimphs can not be overlooked.

Its pouring rain outside. I think this is pre-party jubilation and am not immune to its charms. The lightening looks like a party somewhere else, like watching a strobe light through the curtains from the street and you cant count the seconds because the thunder just keeps rumbling. I am a peeping tom hiding in the door jamb, eyes skyward. I wish there were no electric lights behind me, that there was not a pot boiling on the stove. The rain falls and falls. I wonder if the sunflowers have bowed under the weight of this water.

I went running during the hottest peak of the day. It was one of my neighborhood runs but I took it so far away that there were no hills and there were no cars whizzing by deadly inches away. I wrinkled the map and ran across the folded ridge, ended up over a hundred miles away... altogether for a four mile round trip. When I got home I was a half a cup of sweat wet.

Its raining now. I could get all wet effort free if I just step out from under the eaves.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Wedding Bliss



The weather forcast doesnt extend quite yet to the 21st but I have an active imagination. Whereas before I doubted the sunflowers would bloom, now I am afraid they will be past their peak, that they will have all fallen and be seed food for rats, in the rain.

We were told confidently that only 60 to 70 percent of invitations would RSVP that they were able to attend, but only 8 out of 98 declined. With children the head count zoomed from an estimated 75-100 people to over 165. Eaters, drinkers, sitters, toasters, and handshakers. I increased the caterers head count by 50%, ordered another cake, more tables, more chairs, porta-potties, kegs of beer, cases of wine and champagne.

The garden is hours, every day hours of watering and weeding and staking and mowing. Edison eats only premium cuts of meat and Willie faked a urinary tract infection because there isnt enough of me to go around. I could get a daily massage daily for the cost of our monthly pet bill. I am packing my house into boxes.

I went to pick up my dress today but it was too big again. I was gasping for air when she sized it down before and I cant eat anything but pickles and beer so it was even bigger today then it was before. I COULD HAVE IT READY TWO DAYS BEFORE THE WEDDING she says. I should eat a sandwich or something.

This is like the plant monster from that movie, cause at first you bring it into your life like a mere accessory, then later your life becomes a chore of feeding the plant at any cost. The wedding is a eight legged space monster alien brain eater.

Now its going to rain. The tent will show up a day late. The little girls will be muddy. The caterer will serve huge bowls of beautiful food that will resonate with thunder and lightening. The children will run in packs like street urchins tearing down lights and breaking flower stalks. My dog will die when I am away on my honeymoon. We are hemorrhaging money and I haven't even RSVPed that I am going to show up, for sure.

But if I do, one month from now I will be married, back from Puerto Rico, will have moved into a new house and will be looking for a job in my field because I just graduated from school.

I cant believe it! Only 10 days left!!

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Every race is a good race



I had the best of intentions, woke early, fruit smoothie, skin lube, dressed for heat. I trained plenty but failed in execution. I didn't taper, couldn't resist an uphill seven and a half mile battle on Sunday. I didn't eat right, didn't rest long, didn't drink gallons of water the day before. I didn't carry any gel packs or water bottles. I've been preoccupied I guess.



Traffic was backed up for miles to get onto the island which is accessible by only one two lane bridge. The grassy field parking lot was full. Overflow parking was almost a mile away in another field and by the time I got out of the car and applied sun screen the starting gun was only minutes away. I ran all the way back down, hit the pre-registration table and was pinning on my number when the gun went off.

I set an easy pace for the first few miles, planned to hold back until mile eight but by the fifth mile I couldn't take it and doubled my pace. It was a mistake. The sun was brutally hot and the water stations were understaffed and spaced too far apart and the finish line was a million scorching miles away.



I wiped out much earlier then I expected and by mile 10 was running slower then I had started. I remember my legs felt fine by my arms felt so heavy, so so heavy I had to hug them close because I couldn't bear their weight. I was nearly dead when I hit the last mile and thought I might have to cross the finish line crawling. Two runners ahead of me were rushed off by the paramedics after collapsing within yards of the finish line. I came in running but had nothing left for my 100 yard kick. Nothing left. I finished ten minutes behind my goal pace but I finished.

Chip Time/Pace 2:04:41 / 9:31

At least I didn't die in the tar pits and coal beds. Whew.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

18 days...



I am up at 5:30 tomorrow morning for the Sauvie Island Half Marathon. I have been running, I am ready, I will be underslept.

And there has been plenty of running around in the sprinkler and diving into the river breaks from wrapping trees with lights. Laying on our backs the clouds become rabbits, become mermaids, become poodles, become rockets.

Catch me tomorrow. I might have more to say on the matter.

17 days to go....

Sunday, July 01, 2007

20 days



I spent my day up in the trees again. The apple trees, the brittle pear trees and the sticky plums. There is a scratch across my forehead, bugs in my hair and bark in my ears, in my pockets and under my clothes. So far I have twirled out 23 strands of white light, have 29 more to go.



Clark worked in the garden beds clearing out all the flowers past their prime, the dead and dying foxgloves, dried up brown blossoms, heavy foliage. In the biomass of uprooted plants he found one last blooming hearty orchid.

Yesterday the ceremony musicians backed out. And the sound guy went out of town and I bet there is nobody in the whole city who will play acoustic guitar into the sound system that probably wont be there.

Then we got a phone call from Clarks brother whose daughter is in the wedding. He called to say they took her measurements backward on the measuring tape so the dress I ordered is being made like the inverse hourglass of a 9 year old girl. The dress is paid in full, no returns, no refunds. Its fine though, I have like 475 hours left to manage all the unexpectedness. I probably ordered a dress being made in China by slave labor and who wants that kind of dress anyway?

This morning I sat with the florist who is making flower garlands for the little girls to wear in their hair. We sat in the garden and watched dragon flies. YOU'LL BE JUST FINE she said IT RAINED DURING MY ENTIRE RECEPTION AND WE STILL HAD FUN.

In the evening I went running in search of hills bearing as little as was possible, all the way up to the top of the ridge and back down through a small park by the river.

Only 19 days left!

21 days...

I had the strangest dreams last night. I cant say what exactly but you were all there as your totem animals, rabbits and avatars. I am trying to put it together.



All day today I wound white lights into the apple trees, all knotty limbs wrapped around me. I am scratched and covered in flakes of bark. The leafy trees lit up white will be sublime.



The sunflowers have grown a full foot since I was last over there and they are starting to bloom in earnest and with feelings of great devotion. I whimper and clap my hands because a gust of air passes through me when I see all these budding blossoms. On one of the branching sunflowers alone I counted 15 buds.



The Grey Striped sunflower Roy, is the giant single bloom sunflower that tends to steal hearts, win top prize at the county fair, whose seeds are large and striped grey and feed a congregation of birds.



I spent all afternoon lighting only one tree from an orchard of trees. After dark the tree is so lovely, especially up in the leaves where the lights twinkle obscured. I think this one I will rewrap, then the others just the same. I have thirty or so more boxes to go and now that I know what I am doing and how I want them to look I'll move right along casting light.

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