Monday, August 20, 2007

on NOT Running


Last night I dreamed I was running at top speed and it felt so good my feet turning over almost quicker then manageable on the cusp of flying and falling I just ran and thought AGAIN, FINALLY! but when I woke up I was still not able to run at all. I have never gone so long without running for what feels like no apparent reason though when my wrist was broken there was an obvious handicap and there were drugs that caused me less pain most importantly in the seat of my emotions where things turn hostile and lawless so quickly.

I do not deal with anxiety well. I manage stress with a captivating degree of finesse. If my feet catch on fire I leap into imperative action and reach with one hand for the extinguisher and one hand for the phone. I can almost see, in these moments a global map of the emergency. But across the murky internal boundary I become almost ungovernable. This surely is my greatest fault.

Greatest weakness among fabulous faults.

I promised myself I would not run until the end of this month. I don't know if I have enough honor to keep my word. I am becoming increasingly nervous about the eruption of tiny symptoms, spasms of discontent and visceral discord. I am afraid I will start smoking, I am afraid I will drink too much, I am afraid I will stomp on ants. I will turn on myself and I am a fierce enemy.

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