Friday, March 30, 2007

Snowball

I am so impatient for progress and the huge sweeping changes I've been envisioning for the last three years, the last forever years, that I have actually begun to hope I haven't wished too too hard. I might already have the threshold momentum for scary fast change, for the taking of my breath. Dont ever dare wish too hard, one best wish with deep breaths and long syllables. SAVE US IT DOESNT ALL COME TRUE.

This is a very big week for me, this last week of March. We brought Edison to the vet on Tuesday following up on his appointment last month at the end of February after which he did not stop drinking disconcerting lots of water. WITH THE WATER STILL! And it isnt so simple, an unquenchable thirst... it is thinness and high levels of calcium. In the month since, he weighed in a sobering four and a half pounds lighter.

ITS BONE CANCER MOST LIKELY BUT WE WILL NEED TO XRAY HIM TO KNOW FOR SURE AND TO WHAT EXTENT. I am all business here because I refuse to suffer the grief of burying my dog every living day from now until I am doubled over next to his grave eating dirt because something has to fill the gaping hole inside of me please do not be gone. NOT WHILE THERE IS SOMETHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT!

We went in on Wednesday for XRAYS which showed nothing conclusive and after over one thousand dollars in vet bills in one week we know simply that he is drinking an awful lot of water, is thin, calcified and that we cant to a damn thing about it.

That same evening I drove to Seattle to visit with my mother and my niece who had flown in from Nevada and Southern Oregon respectively for spring break. My uncle who lives above the shores of Lake Washington threw open his home for us all. Thursday I awoke there, fed and well rested,thinking WOAH, with my mother here and we are exactly one year to the day from that spring break bone shattering debacle. I was confined in that cast in perpetuity. It was exquisite and without end!

And too, four years ago today I lay thrashing about in 103 degree delirium for several days. I tried to keep smoking, valiantly, but in the humid jungle of sick couldnt get my cigarette to stay lit and when the fever broke I was determined to not smoke again.

It is a milestone week for me. While all the dying and vacationing, momentum keeps moving me right along. Choices that push me further into forever, the card printers and music makers and cake bakers. This wedding is ON folks, and I almost believe even if I left now, packed up a small carpet bag and headed for Cincinnati there would still be cake and thirty-five thousand blooming sunflowers. This party hardly needs me anymore.

Its all a blur of motion.

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