Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Its the future I am trying to kill

In case I didn't mention it yet, I am no longer working at the restaurant. One fine day when I was in there to check my schedule for the next week I just decided it was time to give notice. The Thursday before TequilaCon was my last day, almost two weeks ago now. I mention it because there is a little hop in my step and sometimes I even have to point my toe just to touch the ground. I get an adrenal-blood surge when it reoccurs to me the evening wont be wasted in that dungeon of ill will. Some categories of feeling, distaste for one, I experience like a sledge hammer.

Last night I woke up from the awfullest dream in which I was lying in bed after a lurid affair with a big fat man. At the start I am leaning against his belly smoking and he says to me I HOPE MY SIZE ISNT GOING TO BE A PROBLEM FOR YOU and from the tense he uses my mind starts racing because I never could promise I would be there tomorrow...

...and it occurs to me that I am engaged and not only is it horrifying to remember that you are engaged during the middle of a tryst but it is also the perfect excuse and I start berating myself like OH MY GOD, I AM SO HORRIBLE, I AM ENGAGED, WHAT AM I THINKING, WHAT AM I DOING and, that getting me off the hook I run out into the yard and there are fresh earthy graves of two children I had killed. I am panicky paranoid and someone else thinks we should move them because they are pounding in our conscience like The Tell-Tale Heart.

So the 'someone' works to exhume a baby who starts to attack me and I am in forested yard trying to kick a dead baby. When I wake up I writhe around yelling ICKY ICKY IT WAS SO ICKY until I fall asleep and dream about saving lives by making timely phone calls in an awkward but heartfelt shot at redemption.

ANYWAY, my most recent thoughts* regarding the internet harken back to breakfast post TequilaCon when Jen and I squealed over eggs our love for Roy... OH MY GOD, MEEE TOOO, I LOVE HIM! and Don and Wiggy who doesn't even blog but has her own presence and, of course the Ashabot and her puppets, cockroaches, birds and poetry (loco). And then there is one of my very favorite bloggers JudyBluesky who must be one of the best kept secrets on the internet...

*....My thoughts being, mostly, about how blogs segregate, affiliate and discriminate themselves amongst the millionbillion voices and what it means for why who is heard. Thoughts still forthcoming....

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