Monday, March 06, 2006

SEDATIVE PLEASE

The only thing for me now is to sit back and wait, fantasizing about my life and the joy of small success, such as the fact that I am still breathing air even though through the entire QE I metabolized anaerobically, unable to squeeze a fresh bit through these lungs the good lord gave me. It is notably good fortune I am aerobically fit, or after weeks of neglect am still, passably able to endure life without oxygen in short bursts.



I don't know if I have passed or failed. The tapes have been sent out to three anonymous and independent people chosen to rate our work.
*Psssst, I hope you are all having a swell week and are enjoying the balmy weather!*

I have no memory of the test save for the moment I stopped testing and panicked, requested the video be rewound, again, one more time, again... then my future disappeared into the murky neverland where futures go to die during divorce, breakups, sudden death and test failure and I watched it slither out of my grasp and I panicked and turned to the proctor and mouthed to her what she probably already knew I AM FAILING but I didn't say it outloud because the camera and recorder were still recording.

And I hid my face in my hands and tried to swallow my heart which was leaping every which way. GET IT TOGETHER. My ribs are hinged in the back like those hairclips that chomp down on your hair and hold it all twisted together and out of your way, kinda like that if you can imagine how they closed in on me.


Emotions are hi-jacked when the Amygdala triggers an emotional response before the cortical centers fully understand what is happening
-Goleman, D. (1999)
Emotional Intelligence


IT WAS TOTALLY FIGHT OR FLIGHT and no one was menacing me with a sharp stick or anything like that BUT YOU COULD NOT HAVE CONVINCED ME OTHERWISE. At times like these you expand yourself into the space between the seconds and you think run out the door, never come back... a silver medal after falling three times... they wont stop the clock if you fall over crying... do something so drastic you can never come back... what will fit in a backpack thats all I need... I have that big heavy jar of change enough to ride city busses for many days...

And then I didn't. I picked up interpreting where I could and at the end of the tape with a big breath said THE INTERPRETER WOULD LIKE TO CLARIFY FOR THE RECORD (talktalktalk)... and I fixed it all up neat, the whole messy deal from the middle of the text where I stood dying instead of interpreting. But who knows. Nothing ever seems good enough and I cant remember any of it anyway.

I am prepared to think about accepting a future in which I have failed. For the record, I am an ass-kickingly awesome interpreter whose indeterminate failure is due, in large part to having an overactive imagination and a nature prone to easy overstimulation. No wonder I failed! Or maybe did not. I am practically crippled, a featherweight, totally useless emotionally.

ANYWAY, The results should be in my postbox by next Monday. I will post the honest truth and honest reaction as soon as I know.

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