Friday, March 24, 2006
The night I took melatonin I did not sleep.
Then I took the sleeping pill, generic and dirty and, by insomniac spasm I woke with the same regularity and unease. Between spasms, for the hour and again that I slept I do not remember a thing. But I woke still because still, the sleepless was stronger still then the sleep.
Tonight I upped the ante with a bottle of wine. In bed I lay there like you do when you are pretending your best friend is a monster and the monster is stalking you, then you realize that your favorite monster is not stalking you at all and you have been waiting and waiting and you say very softly like you do when you know you both can not sleep ARE YOU SLEEPING in a real low octave... then nothing, then you say again, YOU'RE NOT SLEEPING EITHER ARE YOU? real subtle like and you realize he is sleeping. And after so long you feel like your lover and your bestfriend has gone and died on you and left you eating cans of dog food on welfare and dodging cancer and angry young drivers.... and you are old and cannot die.
So then I cried tonight because of insomnia which is not like the movies where you get big bags under your eyes and read books but is heartbreaking like a suffering of sleepiness where you sleep enough to know you are not sleeping and are abandoned from the deep comfort of sleep which you don't realize is so deathlike and necessary until you cannot do it.
I am so very sad and hope at least that Magnum PI is still on the TV late at night...
Coming soon enough, cross variations of sleeping aids.
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