Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Oh schadenfreude, come read my blog

I was in the store today buying thank-you (forputtingupwithme) cards when I realized I was hearing three Christmas songs playing at the same time. Do they thing they will get me to buy three times the crap with three times the guilt at three times the interest rate?? When will we figure out Christmas, like old growth forests and native speciation, has fell victim to the tragedy of the commons, along with our dignity and inherent value. Uuh.

As you know, as I have told you I interpret for a s*ciol*gy class in a mock placement, fake internship, practicum... whatever you call it. And you should know this is very hushhush as we in this field take our confidentiality very seriously, as we should, as I do. But I find this class very hurting.

As it happens this same class was the first ever class I took after a series of dropouts, move-ons and whatevers, long suffering the pedestrian ennui and reticence inherent to my expansive personality. I finished my last HS class with a .08 and had since failed to impress anyone. After a particularly egregious transgression for which I felt I owed focus and discipline as a form of atonement, I registered for classes at the local community college.

Learning one of the classes I was trying to get into was full, and looking behind me at the 10 million people in the registration line I stuck my finger into the catalogue and registered for a s*ciol*gy (whatthe??) class on an entirely different campus. At the end of the story I finished with a final grade of 102% after correcting the teacher on a deducted point during final exam , and causing a near-riot during small group discussion earlier in the term. Still, being much younger the class never impacted me as much as it seems to now.

Now, are things new and painful. We watched this video I thought I will put my hands in my face THIS IS SO INTENSE and I felt so sad I stayed hands in my face. Interpreting this causes little earthquakes where spurs grow on my spine and plates in my skull shift and I think I AM KIND AND WELL INTENTIONED BUT IT MATTERS NOT BECAUSE I AM OF AN EVIL GREATER THEN MYSELF… and I have always felt I am the sort to survive a nuclear holocaust but am dismayed to learn really I am like tissue held together by evil and vapor.

You too should watch this video and maybe also should make an ass of yourself in a large class of people.

And other renewals I learned.

Like the federal government collects data on hate crimes but does not include crimes against women because so overwhelmed they would be. And in NY they studied aspects of committed murders and found that more then any other group women were "“multiply killed"” meaning they were abused in so many ways in was impossible to determine the cause of death. Beat, stabbed, shot, bludgeoned, kicked, shoved off a building, drowned, and then run over with the car after being poisoned. And more often these were witnessed by children (compared to other murders). Really, this doesnt even scratch the surface.

I don't, but if you demand it of me I will try to hunt down citation. But enough about sorrow. After all the end of the term is so near I can taste snow. At this point I have finished with two classes completely and have little of the remaining three left.

I passed half the QE much to my amazement considering I went into the test set in my failing ways, convinced certain death wasn'’t something to get too worked up over. Now I see how dangerous my speedball, expect failure but accept no infraction or weakness along the way. Perfection in the pursuit of failure. What the f*** is wrong with me.

That said I have to humbly accept that what feels like reasons to me are actually excuses. I am lazy. I am responsible. No matter how many protestations and resentments I have developed, categorized, and railed against.


But now I will have the time to look inward, at the ugly wrinkles in my neglected life, my atrabilious family, unwatered house plants and ill fitting wardrobe. I cant think about the details. I make lists, and lists, and lists and chip away at them never lingering long looking at the suffering details. In all regards am cantankerous, yet surprisingly bouncy and optimistic.

Last week I showed one of my favorite bloggers judybluesky how to post pictures and am waiting patently. I'’ve yet to see a single one. Go bug her.

I am gonna go bake zucchini bread and practice my witticism for Brandon when he comes to visit.

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