Thursday, October 27, 2005

Am Full of Useless Feeling

Tuesday I found $180 in my wallet that I had forgotten about hidden in that pocket with fortune cookie fortunes, coffee punch cards and I Saw You's torn from the paper that I wish were me. Today I found three ten dollar bills in a pair of jeans. Am I lucky or is something wrong with me? I am inclined to think a little of both.

I like where I am going and how I do it, struggling with and for myself nevertheless. A man once told my mother I wasn't a pretty girl, would never be pretty but I would be a handsome woman. SEND HER TO ME WHEN SHE IS 24.

I wonder what else I have forgotten, and how it will come back to me. I have lost fortunes.

The beer delivery man today came during the rush. More then one of you drinks during your lunch break and while he stocked, I unstocked. He turned to me and said I HAD TO COME DURING YOUR LUNCH RUSH and he said YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD IT WAS TO FIND YOU and I got prickly and weird feeling.

But really I think he made an incomplete joke.

(cue harmonica) Nobody knows the aloneliness of the 18 credit/20 hour week. My cat chirps like a bird, that's the most conversation I get. I am afraid of people. They are afraid of me.

When I was ten I went to a five cent Christmas production for children. I was so moved I gave the lead role two quarters in my pocket that was my great fortune and she was stunned notwanting, gaudy pink costumed cheeked and lifesize candycaned. If really, when I die, that is one I need to see again. Cause I cant imagine myself when I was less brittle then now.

I walk a fine line. Stupid and inconsistent, terrified and belligerent, totally anonymous and flagrant and resentful and skittish. I should have been a breaking down machine. I should have been one or the other.

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