Wednesday, August 31, 2005

The Great Foot Fight

You'll love this one.................

When we got back from the first camping trip, the one in which I was killed by a bear and paddled with snapping turtles through twi-lit reeds in Montana, I was shocked to turn on my computer and find that over eight hundred people had visited my blog in one day, almost five hundred the next day, a hunnert and fifty the next....



Over the following week traffic inevitably dwindled back into the silent obscurity to which I am accustomed. Like most bloggers I get a lot of random visitors directed to my site but very few of them find what they are looking for and probably even fewer return. Of course I have kept a list of some of my favorites exactly because there is always something better I should be doing.

heart flutters (100+ x)
Pathological liar (5x)
speeding ticket (4x)
homemade/buy coke spoon (2x)
french inhale (3x)
getting stood up (8x)
let me shop and nobody gets hurt (3x)
mansfield toilet (8x)
patron saint of hobos (4x)
fuckshitup (2x)
chicks with big tits (12x)
"why I don't smoke pot"
personality defects
80s headband
monkey smelling finger + video clip (3x)
what does waxing philosophical mean
over age 50 dominatrixes
the bride of the bearded lesbian
its not meant to be
"Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome" + gay
whatever major looser
bums and freeloaders
portland oregon tweekers
chugging a half pint of vodka
floorboard shave pubic hair
tweekers poems
shoulder riding dominatrixes
feline pain killers
elephants ass
New house construction makes one an alcoholic
wanting what you cant have
livid bliss
death by boiling
considered shoplifting
surreality
surrogate lover

Plus variations on the theme of personality disorders and spiritual cleansing, toenail injuries and shin splints, and of course tons of Asian porn seekers.

Anyway, when I checked the referral for all this traffic I was amused to find that images I had posted had been discovered and entered into a foot model contest on a foot fetish message board.


(okay, so I exaggerated a little bit)

My boyfriend however, is not an internet person and although he reads a little bit of online news, can send attachments by email and knows how to check his account balance, the internet remains largely a murky den of inequity. Lo! a place inwhich nobody is who they say and nothing is what it seems, where lurking forces of perversion and evil lay in wait to destroy the lives of the vibrant and the wholesome, the air breathers and sunshine dwellers who linger too long in the web....

Much to my chagrin he was outraged by the incident, and the stunning force of his ire left me with no choice but to defend to the death foot fetishists and photobloggers everywhere. He went so far as to tell me to remove the one unrecognizable photo I had posted of him in which he is seated in a chair across the vast expanse of lawn surrounded by day-after party wreckage from our July BBQ. FINE.

me - WHY, THE INTERNET IS A GODDAMNED CANDYLAND OF VIRTUOSITY AND RESTORATIVE MORALITY!!!
boyfriend - I DON'T WANT SOME WEIRDO JERKING OFF TO PICTURES OF MY GIRLFRIENDS FOOT
me - DON'T EVEN TALK TO ME...

He didn't, until he went to bed before me. In a inconsolable huff I fluffed the couch cushions and made my bed there which prompted another flurry of argumentation and an eventual passionate reconciliation.

Today I remain one of the only message board posts without a single reply, buried on page 9 out of 20 or more pages of foot model nominees. It is hard rejection and a bitter victory. That old familiar feeling...



The next day we picked berries, apples and french pole beans. The pole beans I fried with sea salt and rosemary, and served with pasta and fresh homemade vegan pesto. Extra extra garlic. With the apples we baked apple crisp, marinated the apple slices in a half cup of triple-sec and doubled the brown sugar oaty-crust.



The berries did not get baked into a pie before the next camping trip, and they did not get baked in a pie after because just today I found them growing spots of mold. My pie-makin' sleeves were all rolled up too...



Berries are very expensive at this time of year I discovered. I went home and decided I will use my pie crust to bake a tart apple pie, tart apples being in abundance, and will send the berry-replacement funds (and some) to New Orleans instead where very few fresh anything is being baked.

I watched Bush give his speech today in which he laid out plans for the hurricane Katrina relief effort. Thing is, it was already taking place, has been for two days before he even decided to cut his vacation short and be bothered with the responsability of showing up.

So he gets on the television and takes credit for the coordinating and serious-taking and sorrow-face-making... During the entire speech I was stunned to note that he never once mentioned CONSERVATION, as in maybe the rest of the country should try to CONSERVE oil and gas usage during this difficult time. DON'T EVER STOP CONSUMING. NEVER. I am a little young to remember but isn't that a standard presidential request during these times of crisis?

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