Sunday, April 10, 2005

Pear Blossom Run 2005

Finished ten minutes faster then last years time and in considerably better shape. After 10 miles still had enough sass left in me to start fights. Didn't though. Always want to. Cant help it. Have a tendancy towards scrappyness.

Haven't wanted to update cause I feel like I have nothing to say, no reason to say it. Not exactly true, that... more like inhibited and yet, uncompromising. My chest feels tight.

Fergetting the fact that some of my days are too long, and the rest of them are empty vacuums of homework and a debilitating lack of self-discipline. Fuck.

Am reading too much distressing philosophy and distressing news and am trying to counterbalance it with Buddhism and Daniel Pinkwater, but am feeling alternately vaporous in the ONE-NESS, and utterly bound to my self, disconsolate and alone.

The information age creates an unwieldily burden indeed and I don't feel like I am intellectually or emotionally is up to the task of contextualizing the world at large. With knowledge comes great responsibility. Like, if your neighbor is kicking the shit out of his dog its not so easy to close the blinds and justify to yourself that its not your place to get involved. Ultimately it seems, you have to decide whether or not its more uncomfortable to listen to the dog screaming, or to scrap with the neighbor who may be contrite, or may be violent. Whatever, you cant un-know that the dog is screaming. ...times six trillion dog-kicking dramas.

But all lousy metaphor aside, I cant handle the burden of informational overstimulation and I'm running around trying to not fight, and if compassion is my goddamned Buddha seed I am lousy at it. Its fuckin' hard to feel compassion for, say Trent Lott and Augusto Pinochet, for that guy who stole my wallet when I was in Alaska and that jackass who flipped me off in traffic last week, for the willfully ignorant and the willfully destructive.

And I get some small comfort from the idea that, say, energy and matter cannot be created or destroyed....so, maybe, in the very end, no matter how much undoing is done, fundamentally, nothing cannot be undone. But though they seem to reinforce some of the basic concepts of Dharma (depending, I guess on how much stock you place in molecular continuity, or, um, sentience or Consciousness...) thermodynamics are a cold comfort.

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