Thursday, April 14, 2005

Broke Down Panic

Nothing like a floormat bunched up under the clutch pedal to test my mechanical acuity. Registers ZERO on any scale.


Last night I dreamed about the ocean... its always thrilling and scares my paperthin heart. Its always angry and pounding huge dangerous waves. Last night they were drawn with colored pencils but that didn't make 'em any less scary. I kinda wish I could dream about the ocean every night cause I need to know what that Really Really Scaryness is all about.

When I was 17 I was obsessed with lucid dreaming, and had some mixed success with lucidity... I thought it would sure be keen to leap off buildings and fly, schemed to have dream picnics under the full moon. Was young and fanciful.

Recently Sam took to wearing a beeping digital watch to train herself to recognize whether she was awake or asleep. I feel vaguely rekindled and started making a half ass attempt to write down my dreams again. If I could I would jump right into that damn churning ocean. BUT I CAN'T, WHY CAN'T I?

Over spring break I went to a little family gathering in Seattle and hated it so much I wanted to vomit up all my DNA and give it back. Sometimes I hate my family in that not very cute way that everyone affects for pretense, ...and we roll our eyes and we laugh and nod sympathetically cause our Mom gives us socks for Christmas every year too!

But NO! sometimes I am really terrible and hate them even more than yearly socks, till finally I run away and am later forced to answer for that behavior.

I am an escapee...I am always eyeing the exits. Its my nature.

So how do you negotiate wanting something you cant name, cant have, must have, doesn't exist? Its taking a lot longer to perfect my Buddhist detachment then is realistically convenient for me.


Somehow I am talking about one thing here... I tried buying stuff so I can shove it into that yawning chasm of existential angst. I go out and by a gazillion books I don't even have time to read. Didn't work. YEAH I KNOW ITS FUCKED...

So I went and ran 10 miles and I was slow and sore and old and didn't feel a thing.

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