Sunday, April 24, 2005

$100 for a pair of dry socks?!

Pouring rain, mud in my teeth, in my hair, on the inside of my sunglasses. Couldn't even really see much but the shiny blobs of neon green and lycra ass-pants in the shapeless fog of my lenses. Squishy feet, I stopped twice to wring out my socks till my feet were so numb it didn't matter. The sun finally burst about fifteen miles still out but it was too late. My mood was ruined. Till I got my MONSTER-SIZED COOKIE AT THE END!

Drive home in the now hot and sunny afternoon with a full belly and a strong inclination towards nap-iness. Home, fifty miles north back into the storm towards my couch and my fluffy towel and favorite jeans and Chinese food.

Dreamed last night that my Dad realized his values were out of sync with his politics... made astonished exclamations that he had ever voted for Bush... was damn relieved to see the light. Woke up to him snoring in the other hotel bed under the crappy synthetic fibers and knew it a Republican snore.

I have a sudden sweet tooth. Umm, maybe its peanutbutterandjelly hour.

Saturday, April 23, 2005


In Salem with my Dad for the Monster Cookie Metric Century bike ride tomorrow. Its overcast and might rain on us all day. Yeah Oregon Spring!

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Book Thing

Got tagged from Loaded Mouth...

You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451. Which book do you want to be?

What does that mean??? I read that book so long ago I am not sure if there is a reference I am not getting. Don't they burn books? How do I be a book?

Well, I know I want to be The Tokyo Montana Express by Richard Brautigan. Or any one of his other short prose books... Leaves of Grass or Trout Fishing in America maybe.

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?

Yeah, Zooey Glass from Franny and Zooey... and Seymore from that book and the other Glass family stories by J.D. Salinger. Also, I always had a crush on Yossarian from Catch-22. He wasn't the same man in the movie though, so don't compare. And I have a little crush on Tin-Tin and a big crush on Hopey from Love and Rockets.

I could go on and on here.

The last book you bought is?

Books by the stack... Four Fantastic Novels by Daniel Pinkwater, Blankets by Craig Thompson, three books on Buddhism, a book on stretching and one on musculature, a Noam Chomsky book, a couple independant novels, a couple zines... um...

What are you currently reading?

Linguistics of American Sign Language, Runners World, Land of No Buddha and Lonely Planet: Mexico.

Five books you would take to a deserted island.

A Richard Brautigan anthology, Some book about poisonous berries and how to build fires and tree houses with your bare hands, a huge blank notebook, an erotic Choose Your Own Adventure book... and um, a dictionary/thesaurus.

Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and why?

Madame Levy
cause I bet she reads neat stuff, Mayim, cause I want her to post something, and JudyBluesky and A. cause what kind of writer doesn't read?

Okay then... that was a really long break from homework. Thanks Tas, I needed that.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Broke Down Panic

Nothing like a floormat bunched up under the clutch pedal to test my mechanical acuity. Registers ZERO on any scale.


Last night I dreamed about the ocean... its always thrilling and scares my paperthin heart. Its always angry and pounding huge dangerous waves. Last night they were drawn with colored pencils but that didn't make 'em any less scary. I kinda wish I could dream about the ocean every night cause I need to know what that Really Really Scaryness is all about.

When I was 17 I was obsessed with lucid dreaming, and had some mixed success with lucidity... I thought it would sure be keen to leap off buildings and fly, schemed to have dream picnics under the full moon. Was young and fanciful.

Recently Sam took to wearing a beeping digital watch to train herself to recognize whether she was awake or asleep. I feel vaguely rekindled and started making a half ass attempt to write down my dreams again. If I could I would jump right into that damn churning ocean. BUT I CAN'T, WHY CAN'T I?

Over spring break I went to a little family gathering in Seattle and hated it so much I wanted to vomit up all my DNA and give it back. Sometimes I hate my family in that not very cute way that everyone affects for pretense, ...and we roll our eyes and we laugh and nod sympathetically cause our Mom gives us socks for Christmas every year too!

But NO! sometimes I am really terrible and hate them even more than yearly socks, till finally I run away and am later forced to answer for that behavior.

I am an escapee...I am always eyeing the exits. Its my nature.

So how do you negotiate wanting something you cant name, cant have, must have, doesn't exist? Its taking a lot longer to perfect my Buddhist detachment then is realistically convenient for me.


Somehow I am talking about one thing here... I tried buying stuff so I can shove it into that yawning chasm of existential angst. I go out and by a gazillion books I don't even have time to read. Didn't work. YEAH I KNOW ITS FUCKED...

So I went and ran 10 miles and I was slow and sore and old and didn't feel a thing.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Love is in the Air

Besides suffering my little crisis of faith, with which I have been inflicted since spring break though I did get a small reprieve when I won high score on pinball at Chuck E. Cheese (fuck yes I did)...

...besides that my BF is gone for two weeks with one day notice for to work digging holes and sampling soil in Oregons shittiest town far, far away.

So I squint my eyes a lot and try to see things differently, put my hair in a tight bun, eat the crumbs that drop in my lap AND AM GLAD FOR THEM.

Am skipping school tomorrow cause I feel like drinking soda pop with lime wedges and watching tabloid TV about celebrity heartbreak. I might even throw away some recyclables just to put a spring in my step.

Willie chewed through my phone charger cord in, like, five places, so dont call me.


P.S. Kate got in the Chance Meetings. It was my dream. *Sigh* Being gracious about it never was my style.

So I am gonna repost this cause I didnt get the results I wanted first time around:

Monday, June 14, 2004
Hey! I have been trying to get into the Chance Meetings and the I Saw You section of the personals for a long damn time (riding around on city busses looking sad and yet evocative in a lily print dress, reading Punk PLanet in public squares, making eye contact during rush hour) and short of taking out my own ad I figure a little coaching doesn't hurt...
DO be witty and charming
DO be sure to mention the fantastical first impression I made on you
DO be enraptured by the second, third and fourth impressions if the situation dictates
DO be pickled by the heart on my sleeve
DON'T be too blunt, were talking intrigue
DON'T be trapped by boring facts: Chem Lab, 9am you have a short space to make an impression
DON'T end your ad with: coffee? Be original.

I have been clipping ads that I fancy for quite awhile. I am listing a few of them here.
Library Girl

You are like a tree trunk in the snow. A little push should be enough to set you rolling. No, it can't be done, for you are firmly wedded to the ground. But see, even that is only appearance. Send an email!

You: Skirt Me: Pants... Let's make sweet sweet love. Send an email!
You tell secrets in your sleep! Are you in love with a sandwich. I wish I was that sandwich. I can dress up like a sandwich. Wanna sandwich? 8425
Oh Well

6/23 You ~ all black & holding a little bag, you looked like you had a lot to say. When we got on the bus you looked out the window & looked really sad. I really wanted to talk to you. Send an email!
Addis Apparition

Saturday morning coffee is the only thing in this world that passes for heaven. Come with me to Africa and we can travel the hot, fertile Nile Valley at midnight and make out in the moonlight. Let's run away. Send an email!
OMG can I do you now? Send an email!
Fred Meyer, St. Johns, Friday, 28th May, about 5.p.m. Registers next to each other. You: woman, sweat type suit, curly hair, gorgeous! Me: man with daughter, very interested,are you?
You: blue car Me: black truck. Morning commute, Sunset Highway. You drive too fast. Sex?

Really, I don't own a lily print dress, god forbid....and I don't do Chemistry Labs at any time of the day.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Pear Blossom Run 2005

Finished ten minutes faster then last years time and in considerably better shape. After 10 miles still had enough sass left in me to start fights. Didn't though. Always want to. Cant help it. Have a tendancy towards scrappyness.

Haven't wanted to update cause I feel like I have nothing to say, no reason to say it. Not exactly true, that... more like inhibited and yet, uncompromising. My chest feels tight.

Fergetting the fact that some of my days are too long, and the rest of them are empty vacuums of homework and a debilitating lack of self-discipline. Fuck.

Am reading too much distressing philosophy and distressing news and am trying to counterbalance it with Buddhism and Daniel Pinkwater, but am feeling alternately vaporous in the ONE-NESS, and utterly bound to my self, disconsolate and alone.

The information age creates an unwieldily burden indeed and I don't feel like I am intellectually or emotionally is up to the task of contextualizing the world at large. With knowledge comes great responsibility. Like, if your neighbor is kicking the shit out of his dog its not so easy to close the blinds and justify to yourself that its not your place to get involved. Ultimately it seems, you have to decide whether or not its more uncomfortable to listen to the dog screaming, or to scrap with the neighbor who may be contrite, or may be violent. Whatever, you cant un-know that the dog is screaming. ...times six trillion dog-kicking dramas.

But all lousy metaphor aside, I cant handle the burden of informational overstimulation and I'm running around trying to not fight, and if compassion is my goddamned Buddha seed I am lousy at it. Its fuckin' hard to feel compassion for, say Trent Lott and Augusto Pinochet, for that guy who stole my wallet when I was in Alaska and that jackass who flipped me off in traffic last week, for the willfully ignorant and the willfully destructive.

And I get some small comfort from the idea that, say, energy and matter cannot be created or, maybe, in the very end, no matter how much undoing is done, fundamentally, nothing cannot be undone. But though they seem to reinforce some of the basic concepts of Dharma (depending, I guess on how much stock you place in molecular continuity, or, um, sentience or Consciousness...) thermodynamics are a cold comfort.

Saturday, April 02, 2005


I won tickets to see Stars play tonight at Doug Fir. Yay for free tickets!

I took Sam to the show with me and we politicized the fuck out of it, and at least seem to agree the Portland is left and damn left with little room for much else. Fine with me.

And the show was great and I love them and their Canadian ways. Viva la revolution!


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