Wednesday, March 02, 2005

It Sprinkled Today

Rain falls hardly at all. I remember the first spring I lived here and the rainwater poured, cascaded down a window pane pressed with wild unpruned rhododendron flowers for days and days and weeks and weeks and months on end.

my mortal enemy, the squirrel

But the sun shines. Ferris wheel weather - All Day Pass weather. I am losing Sam again. She is moving away. I havva feeling I mighta kept her if I had been a better friend. Beer moved back from Thailand, but is only staying for six short months. I brought her chocolates, she brought me gold elephants..

I will lose them both at the same time. You guys better be there for me when they go.

Moving was a painful final push but its done. Boxes are piled everywhere, unorganized and unlabeled. I chiseled the paint around the bedroom window frame, propped it open and woke up the next morning to rain dripping off the eaves, a bed of pine needles, a lone daffodil. I have forgotten myself in this temperate balmy sunshiny winter... my love of moody skies. I need slate grey tumult.

I have been fakebrave but am really weak and fearful, full of yawning chasms.

People seem powerful, unpredictable, enigmatic. I feel decontextualized, like a whiff of vapor. I am afraid of linguistics afraid of the video camera, I am ruminative about death.

Girl Lives (conjugate) Girl Lived.
Friend (antonymous) Enemy.
What are the morphemes for HOME? girl, boy, dog, cat...?

Someone implied I don't do anything with forethought, development, skill... I only do it with attitude. I take issue with that. My nerves are always firing, my cells burning. Being alive is preparation enough.

(PSST PSST I cant see my comments link but I dont know if that is my computer and its own silliness or what. If you cant see it either will you email me and let me know?)

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