Monday, January 31, 2005

Ask and ye shall receive

I started anonymous, didn't disclose my location, never said what I did or where I did it. Now, bless them, my Mom and Dad are regular readers. How does that happen? What does that mean? Well I am glad they are interested but do they want to read about my xxxxxxx? My xxxxxxxx? My drunken catfights, pissoffs, expensive impulse buys that they later subsidize as christmas/birthday/firstdayofthemonth ""gifts""?


So anyway...I asked for a sign and I got a lot of sudden upheaval type activity that could loosely be interpreted as personally apocalyptical in any manner that I chose to interpret it.

I got all pissed off at work and the idea of temporary-ness like, I just gotta get through this for two more years then I will never have to ask another person if they need a little more time with the menu suddenly seemed like too much to ask and too much to give so I started stomping towards the door with the intent of slamming it loudly behind me, then turned back and said


and stomped back to the stack of menus and put on my long white apron for Saturday night and all the hungry fat Americans who were coming in to tip me.

That was one tough night. Really. I spun out in the gravel of the 7-11 parking lot with a six pack of beer and eye-gouging rage, woke up my BF, sat on the edge of his bed for over an hour


then admitted that I don't know what the hell I am gonna do with all my busy-ness and broke-ass-ness quitting my job like that and he asked me if I would like to come live with him cause I practically do anyway.

So me and my cat and plants and computer and my bed and my dishes are cooler then his and all my books and shoes and hair products are going to live in the cabin way across town.

I called Beer in Thailand and got a crappy satellite delay and her pixilated voice... like trying to tell a story in a time machine and the laugh for the punchline comes during the mad parts and the sad oohs and ahhs for the victories. I think she meant to tell me GO FOR IT but she coulda been cheering me to quit my job too. I dunno, my phone card cut off.....

In the morning Jason called me... I wasn't at homehome but I think he came here, was at my door, that one that took away the sun. My phone rang at 5am and I was there, in my BFs bed trying to figure out who he was and why he was calling me.

(something musta showed up on his fuckshitup radar)

I remember when I left, when we first broke up it was more like the iceberg we were on got a crack down the middle and we got separated.... but as if relationships only survive on tropical isles. THATISLAME. What I mean is... that one person, who for sick reasons has a weird hold on me.

But its been like, a year since our friend died and I was too scared to show up on time for the funeral so I came late and kissed him instead of paying proper homage to my dead friend. I took an aloe plant that I had given him, the deceased, as a start a few years before. It never really started and died about two weeks after I brought it home. So I went on with my life.

I don't think that I have talked to Jason since then. I doubt I have even talked about him since then. I do remember this though... that first year I drove the same road to school that I drove home for years...had to....through the tunnel into this weird bright sunlight (cause it was new being a morning person). And I held my breath through that tunnel for two terms there and back...rush hour and all, even when I was still a smoker, so that I could make the same wish twice a day that he would come asking on his knees.

(why for? so I could stomp on his fingers for hurting my feelings)

So what does it mean if he actually does come back on his knees and you don't care anymore? I mean you do, obviously. Enough to be a weebit weirded out.

Whatever. Its not about him.

I am gonna move. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal but its a little freaky to say OKAY LETS DO IT! and feel the very nature of things change like a little earthquake in your bones and the coldness is moving up my toes and cooling my high arches.

I am a little unnerved. Suddenly I'm like, who is this guy? What the hell do I see in him? ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?

Am I fucking stupid?

No comments:


About Me