Monday, June 21, 2004

I Thought I Put All the Chaos and Angst Behind Me

Music: Mirah You Think Its Like This But Really Its Like This

The heat gave way to spontaneous passionate skies, dark clouds, thunder and lightening. I ran through Forest Park above the city where the humid wind shook down leaves and cottonwood puffs, stirred up dust and that heady smell of earth. I knew the minute I stopped that I ran too far, did more harm then good.

Kay's Party

Big dog, big huge dog and mini pocket size dog. The guy on the left sat there by him self for like two hours making farting noises every time someone went by and set himself to drunken laughing fits.

Ran the 8k in damn hilly park, which is actually a mini extinct volcano and napped most of the day away after that, feeling like my bones were breaking. I went to a party later in the evening in this crazy backyard with tree lofts and firepits and hidden loveseat swings under paper lanterns and feathery tree limbs just dumbstruck tired...let them do all the talking and sat thinking about not much at all, thinking about mint and raspberry bushes and the smell of fresh crushed leaves...

More old friends, Sam again, Andy, Courtney, Joe who it is delightful to see, says he has a job for me...
*Where are they coming from*

Sam and I went to see Dame Darcy this afternoon in the sweltering heat, whispered SHE FEELS LIKE HIGH SCHOOL and we are inextricably mired in the past. She says accusingly there were times that I got mad at her, am territorial, it is all suspect again. Sometimes friendships are harder then romance.

And yeah, there were times when I have behaved horribly, threw a carved wooden giraffe across the room at her birthday party and she punched me in the mouth. My boyfriend at the time was about as sinkable as a seafoam and hypnotically calm, was tonic for me until I became disgusted and bored at his lack of justifiable ire...I was a terrible brat. I was thunderstorms and power outages, flat tires, running out of gas under crackling power lines, rockslides, sharkbites, fistfights... and hopelessly highminded about things I had no context to understand. Mad at the wrong thing, this night stands out...laying on my older brothers couch watching Saturday Night Live Ace and Gary with him and my dad and they are laughing, and its so unpleasant, redneck chortling and snorting and I am screaming HOW FUCKING DARE YOU and I stomp out to the car, write a letter to my mom about the trials of family using lines stolen verbatim from her journal, something I memorized ten years earlier...and what I want to say, what I should have been saying was HEY DAD, WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU FOR SEVENTEEN YEARS, DID YOU KNOW THAT I CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP? But I rode in the car sullen staring out the window, half shrugs and monosyllables for three hundred miles...cause it was all about social injustice...

Everything got sweet and sour, like Sarah always falling in love too hard, hopped trains, went a thousand miles away she is the left ventricle of my heart, Katie and I locked in wicked self-destruction till it finally imploded and we didn't speak for too too long, Dave wants to walk 20 miles in the dark cause he is fed up with me being forever evasive, John swooped in one hot summer night when we were drunk throwing garbage cans out the second story window, he said he came to save me but he made me cry. I tried to bite him and left him sitting in the dark, moved away. But man there is a lot wrong in the world and there is nothing I can do because I am sick and trying to make it in the city on a thinthinthin yard sale mattress from an old married couple set so deep in their ways I dream her dreams, then roll over and dream his dreams. He comes to visit and I stare at him horizontal, napping next to me infuriated with his calm that I no longer find calm.... I broke up with him by never calling again.

Today now, all the light and heat of summer suddenly and suprisingly upon us. The sidewalk glinting cruely. I mean, none of this even has to come up, doesn't come up but it is there just the same. YOU GOT THE TATTOO she says, WE WERE ALL THREE SUPPOSED TO GET IT... I forgot all this stuff in the interim, grew up, grew calm, grew roots ya know, and have this aching for gentleness, for the smell of blossoms, swingsets, trailing vines, scattering seeds for song birds, hummingbirds, blackberry jam, swimming holes...

But she reminds me that I totally deserve every punch in the nose I ever got. Its true too!

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