Monday, December 29, 2003

Caught In a Lie

I just about ripped off my toenail. I had to get up in the middle of the night last night to take pain killers. Its all opaque and rusty underneath and when you press on it juice bubbles out the top. Its quite a sight. I originally wounded that toe during the half marathon back in October and the bruise under the nail was growing out. Not sure how, but I somehow significantly worsened the injury while running last night. Guess its time for new shoes.

And I found three gray hairs yesterday. *sigh* I found one last year in the late fall when I was deep, and off the deep end. I plucked it and gave it to Darcie as a gift. I am assuming that one of the hairs grew back and only two of them are new. Growing old is on my mind a lot lately as I feel that I didn't get here gradually but there was a perceptible shift, like a click instead of a pneumatic sigh. Youth yesterday, adulthood today. I am okay with it, mostly. Often, in fact, I am downright blissful and yet, mortal as hell. The reality of these sensations is astonishing. I am watching life unfold and often awake with snippets of poetry floating through my mind, though nothing that I can grasp.

I went to a job interview out in a bedroom community of this great metropolis and was shocked to find that there are still places here that I have never been. I don't feel that I made much of an impression other then that I looked pretty and had previous experience. Oddly, and hopefully not unfortunately, the bar manager noted the restaurant at the bottom of my resume and claimed that it sounded familiar, and that he was quite sure that his chef had worked there. I assured him that it would be a strong coincidence indeed as the establishment was in a remote and far away small town in another part of the state. The thing is though, I decided to, well... 'paraphrase' some of my experience and claimed that I had been working at this place for over a year before it actually opened. As I was driving away it stung me that I knew exactly who the chef was and blew away any doubts that the unlikelihood would provide me adequate protection. Oh mother-fucking well.

Wickedness Is My Lifes Work

So... I know that I made a promise but considering the proximity to the
New Year (where all wrong is made right) I guess I can bend my own rules till that day of redemption. It is snowing. I love that it is snowing.

My curiosity is greater then my fear of danger...especially when my memory is such that I can only experience recall as an emotional climate and specifics are lost to me like the details of a dream. I can remember statements such as MY DAD WAS A STAUNCH REPUBLICAN BUT A VEGETARIAN FOR THIRTY YEARS NOW AND HE MARRIED A WOMAN WHO IS A LIFETIME MEMBER OF THE NRA. but I can remember nothing else. I cannot remember who said it or where we were or if it was a dream. Sometimes I vertiginously suspect that the conversation took place not even 24 hours before.

Like I said though, on being a curious person...I got a call from some dude claiming to have gotten my number from me though the detail are sketchy. And I went. I went by myself to meet him. He was attractive enough, broad and beefcakey and Aryan...A flyboy in the US Airforce. He likes Bush and swears that I gave him my number. I suspect a prank though I cant imagine that anyone would care enough to flesh it out. I just know for a fact that no matter how intoxicated I was I would not have given this guy my number. Somehow he has it, and my name and, desite the obvious incompatability, seems glad. Ugh.


Christmas was a blast of homesickness and nostalgia and psychopathy. Everytime I go home I have this implausable fantasy that I will move home and live in a big little utopia where all the people who love me would have reason to love one another and I would be the hub of the big happy family.... Its not so much an egocentric arrangement as it is just not acknowledging the blatant inconveniences of cross-sectioning. I mean, I am a Chance, and I am a Harden and I am an Anderson and the Hardens don't give one shit for the Chances but that I am one of each. So....


Anyway...I am going to go watch the snow and drink a beer. I have a coffee date with Flyboy. I have him programmed into my phone as 'Random Dude' so I know who is calling and he rang me to let me know that he had a wonderful time talking with me and couldn't wait for tomorrow. He is a mocha man and I am a latte girl.


Ya, and I hung out with Jason on the eve of Christmas Eve. Which may or may not have been such a great idea, stuck somewhere between the COMFORT OF FAMILIARITY and FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT and YOU CAN NEVER GO HOME. Damn straight!


And I could see orchestration, and...does he really think that he can still make me cry?
...and I wasnt crying at all. What made him think I was crying?

and now, now I think I let it happen cause it is a wicked power thing....

Music: Ryan Adams - Burning Photographs

Sunday, December 28, 2003


okay, i will not post drunk...i will not post drunk...i will not post drunk. ...
i guess that i will have to wait till tomorrow.

I love this album Murder Ballads, Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds! It makes me want to go out and get hurt and exact bloody revenge in the pure white snow!

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Taking Things For Granted

I just got out of the shower after my afternoon run and I noticed a bruise on the inside of my knee.
This is not significant in itself, however it did make me realize how few bruises I have on my body. I hadn't even noticed until this one showed up. The thing is, I used to bruise so easily that my legs were covered in them. Always. It didn't seem to matter if I was taking my vitamins or eating right or not. I bruised so easily that I could have an enormous dark purple blotch that looked horrendous but was so insignificant in its making that I could never tell you how I got it.
My point is, it is amazing how quickly we take our achievements and comforts for granted. Constant pain or discomfort can put an edge on your personality but two minutes after that pain is alleviated we are back to our griping old selves. I am doing something, a lot of things, different then I used to and I haven't stopped to appreciate that.
Its a perfectly understandable sort of ungratefulness...If I have a 99% chance of getting creamed in the gnarliest manner by a city bus the next time I cross the street but I make it safely without ever knowing how close I came to death well then... what am I saying? I am not sure if I am saying it. There are these constant divergences in our fates, that lead us to our fates, tiny little choices that we make every second of every day that seem so insignificant but perhaps aren't.
Or maybe they are and I am just imposing order on chaos.
Regardless, I am heartened by the changes that I have made in my life. My years with Jason, in all honesty were my Dark Ages.

That said, why is it so hard for me to get over it??

I Feel See-Through

Music: Mirah. I love her!

Okay, so I promised myself that I would keep a civil tongue in my mouth. I should be more concerned with the things that I am saying and doing out here in the real world.

Lately I have felt exceedingly and intolerably transparent. That was never my style. I don't know what is changing. I am separated from the world by a membrane as sturdy as a wet tissue and am left feeling nauseatingly vulnerable.

I hung out with Jason last week, and our old friend Dan. I have rarely seen Jason so unnerved and off his game. I am glad that I had the presence of mind to stay the course. No matter what I feel about Jason, I would be devastated if he took up with one of my best friends and so, amoral as I am, I respect that sanctity. But today I was driving to my mailbox and who do I see on the street corner but Jason and his girlfriend. I never saw her face. My first impulse was to drive around the block but I am not a stalker. I moaned and felt sick and sad and turned up the music really loud. How do people get over breakups? I cant get the hang of it, though time has dulled the sensation to a far more tolerable sort of anguish. *sigh*


My Saint John of the Cross came to stay for the weekend. He picked up his first cast sculpture from the foundry. He was a little disappointed I think in the results but he has no reason to be. It was a beautiful six inch bronze sculpture of a crouching female figure. We made butterscotch cookies and ate Chinese food and sushi and drank vodka and watched movies. The comfort of his company is tonic indeed; that storm passed years ago. Somewhere between the extremes of him and Jason I fear that I am ruined for men.

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

Nail Biter

Decided that I don't care for Pony Club.

Wow, I wasted a lot of time today! Paid rent and I have $18 left in my checking account. After the meeting yesterday I decided that I am not moving away after all. I want this job and I want to stick around here for a while. Needless to say, I am feeling a bit of relief at having finally made a decision, and the other plan is now on the back burner. However, I wont start working till the 20th at the earliest. God Damn.


Its raining out. The street corners are slick with decomposing leaf mush. Traffic sucks and no-one can tell if their headlights are on, more then a safe share of them are not. I cant get the heat adjusted right, I cant get the right temperature in the shower. I tried to cram in visits with two friends and then was too rushed to see either. This is the kind of day it is.

My music pick for this day is Beulah

Monday, December 01, 2003

I Forgot

Note to self...Jenny.... Aaron... Junior... Jeremy...

Stay or Go

Music Pick of the day... Pony Club.
I just got home from having coffee with Katrina after class. Today is the day for some big decisions. There is a 2 o'clock staff meeting for all the employees of this new bar. I am really excited to find out more, get a feel for what the place is going to be like. But I know that I will probably not even be a part of it when everything shakes out....considering the timing of it all. I mean, if everything goes according to schedule we will be opening just one little month before I move away. I had considered letting the job be the deciding factor in this move, dictating both the if and when of relocation. But I have to make a decision more then one lousy month in advance. If we were even opening on December 15th I would still put off committing but I cannot wait till the middle of January. This is the job that I have been waiting for and I feel like the timing of it all is totally unfair. On the other had, given my inability to make decisive plans and my history of just letting things happen to me I feel like it is more important for me to make a conscious choice and follow through with it, right or wrong. I need to learn to TAKE CHARGE of my life.


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